Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"
they say time heals grief, loss...I'd personally say, with time, I have learnt to acknowledge the fact but accepting and moving on is a gradual process...I am working on it.
When I listen to good music, I think of him...
When I have good food or something he would love, I think of him...
When I am praying or listening to devotional songs, I think of him...Appa always was very spiritual, so automatically my mind goes on default mode to Appa
Hell, funny thing is....I was watching a movie with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson in it and tears streamed down my face...interestingly, Appa is a big fan of WWF, which is such a contrast to his personality!
I remember how he would check the WWF schedule in the paper, finish all his work, pooja, ahead of time...and tell us all that he is reserving the T.V, for a certain period of time! LOL...we used to smile inwardly at his child-like enthusiasm and excitement as he cheered for his favorite wrestling star!
I have a big, beautiful picture of Appa and Amma, deliriously happy, holding my baby girl. I can vividly remember that day too. Initially, I would look everywhere but at that picture, it was hard for me. With time, my viewpoint is different. I look at his picture and its almost life-like, I feel like he is right there smiling at me...on some day, i feel reassured and on some others, i feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I am saying like it is.
What I have begun to love about writing this series about Appa, apart from jogging my memory to acknowledge, appreciate and share about my amazing father - is the sheer happiness and emotion with which Amma calls me and discusses it. I am so happy that I can make Amma feel happy in some way, even if remotely.
I am not sure about kids world over but every Indian kid will relate to this. I was writing my Xth Board exams and I was a studious child who worried about my scores like my whole life depended on it (how silly I was!)...Amma and Appa never really cared, it was never a big deal in my household. i mean, they insisted that we do our best academically, but there was no pressure. They pressured us more on being better persons by nature and, for me, Carnatic music!!
My cousin was getting married and I was in the wedding hall locked inside the room fervently studying for my social studies exam. All my other cousins were together and having fun. My heart was totally with them but in my mind, I felt I had to study, so I stayed indoors. Appa saw my dilemma and told me to enjoy myself with all my cousins. He said he would coach me later so I will be ready for the exams! I readily agreed at once, had my share of fun.
I absolutely panicked a couple of days before the exam. I remember waking Appa at 3 AM and crying that i was going to fail the exam. He smiled and assured me that I would do just fine and we would begin prepping at dawn! At the crack of dawn, we began studying together. He painstakingly went through all my study material - history, geography and civics (Appa studied Chemistry, he helped me understand equations too really well). He coached me for two days in all three disciplines, helped me focus on what's important and what's not...I fared really well in the exam, all thanks to Appa!
I also vividly remember sitting with Appa after every exam, calculating how much I would score! I would always come up with a higher number while Appa would give a realistic score and the final result would be somewhere in-between! He insisted that I had to take maths, no matter what, in my XI and XII. While I grudingly agreed only coz I had no choice, when I moved to college - maths, statistics and analytics were a breeze! I never admitted to him that he was right!
When it was time to choose in what discipline I wanted to graduate in, I told him I wanted to do Law. He knew everything and he said just because your close friend A (ahem!) is doing law, you can't move cities to pursue law, no way! :)
I realize that these incidents really stand out in my memory because he came through when I needed him most, like he told me through his actions: "you can count on me, no matter what!".
If I appear confident to most people, I owe it to my Appa and Amma for instilling that confidence in me. I am quite temperamental and emotional by nature. But I genuinely draw strength from my parents when I am down...they instantly drop everything to make sure I am ok - physically and emotionally. Even as an adult, I need them and they have both always been there for me and my brother. I am forever grateful coz I know as a matter of fact that not every parent is like that.
Appa is known to be very strict and everyone is a bit scared around him. But in reality, he always listened to me, I always appreciated how he treated me as an individual and respected my point of view, even as a child. I am not scared of Appa, I love and respect him. I have always felt only when you do something wrong, you feel fear. I had nothing to be scared of...
On a totally different note, tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday (she turns 8 on 22nd August). I had to go through a few losses before Aaradhya came to me, thanks to the blessings of many people in my life, especially the prayers of Appa and Amma. I will always remember what Appa told me..." Don't spoil her just because she is your only child or that you fervertly prayed for her....she does not know that. I know you will love her and bring her up to the best of your abilities. Don't go overboard, such that she does not understand the value of it". I will always remember that. I know she has his choicest blessings, she is his favorite child, even more than me! (he used to tease me all the time that she is so much more beautiful than his own daughter!)
I naively thought, he would be around even after she got married....
