1. Click here to read the first post ( first
month!)
2. Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
3. Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
4. Click here to read the fourth post (
fourth month!)
5. Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth
month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
6. Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
7. Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh
month)
8. Click here to read the eighth post (eighth
month)
9. Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)
10. Click here to read the tenth post ( tenth month)
11. Click here to read the eleventh post ( eleventh month) - my brother shares more...
Its exactly been a year since Appa passed away. I strongly believed, hoped and was so sure that I would be in Madras with my family, with Amma and Anna. God has other plans, life has other plans...I know, there's a reason that I am not aware of, right now....
I think I am still not ready to go home,
to a home from where Appa won't come out to greet me or hug me. I think I still
need some time to accept that, that's one reason for sure!
I also firmly believe Appa is always with me, whether I am in India or Hong Kong, or anywhere in the world. I have an implicit faith and strong feeling now, that he is always within me, around me. That will never change, its reassuring, and it took me a long time to acknowledge that or identify that.
Having said that, I also feel like a changed person, internally. I am much quieter than usual. I don't think its necessary to share everything with everyone or the need to talk constantly, a bit like Appa! ha ha ...I am sure its a welcome change for the people around me. We can all enjoy the silence a bit now...a part of me died with him. That will never change....even with time.
- I still tear up when I write
this blog...
- I visualize him smiling, always
ALWAYS asking me If I need something? a cup of tea? ...
- I miss his strong support,
guiding me when I am down or stressed,,,in his own tough love kind of
way...just a phone call away, even if I was not with him physically...
- I talk to Amma or Anna about him
often....we share our stories together or anything that reminds us of
him...
- I dream of him quite often and
he is always very much alive, as if he were in my life....forever...
- I talk about him incessantly,
and tend to bring him up in random conversations about my memories with
him or what he would do for me...I will not apologize for it...I will
always talk about him...
- I chance upon a handwritten
label or note from him...and I tear up...
- I miss him when I see someone's
father. I fervently hope that someone's father stays healthy and happy...
- I still cry uncontrollably at
times...I know its ok....
- I also felt really touched and
happy to hear a lot of stories about him from my cousins, loved ones and
friends who knew Appa closely...
- It was reassuring to hear that
Appa's siblings often check on Amma and talk to her regularly...
- I often cry or get upset about
Appa, and I have S, Aaradhya, Amma, Anna and so many others who understand
and listen...try to cheer me up in their own way ( I am sure they feel the
same way or worse about losing Appa)
- Aaradhya will run from whatever
she's doing..if she can see that I am sad or my eyes are moist. she can
sense it every single time. I am grateful for all of them, these wonderful
people I am blessed with.
This is a glass painting I did for him...I copied it from a picture of him...Sadly, he broke it by accident and I was so upset with him. I am glad I clicked a picture on the phone, it's now on the blog...
I had asked Appa to write me a letter casually one day while we spoke on the phone. Amma tells me he wrote sincerely for days together like it was a serious assignment! True to his nature, he delivered on his promise and the letter reached me within a week. I have the letter, safely ensconced in my locker as its my most treasured gift and memory of him. Maybe, I had an instinct.., I don't know...
Anyway, he said that he was very proud of the woman I have grown into, and what he loves most about me is that I have a golden heart, innocent and full of earnest love for everyone. His words, not mine...I hope to retain that " golden heart".
I pray a lot more, not as much as him, but as he would say, not always asking for something but just with gratitude. I do pray with gratitude and thank god for all his blessings.
I want to help many people in whatever
way I can...financially, emotionally or just being there for them.
He asked me to always have a good
bond with Anna coz he is my family after them. I will always do that, I will do
my best to be there for him.
I strongly want to believe in this...
" Those we love don't go away. they walk beside us and reside within us everyday...maybe unseen or unheard but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear..."
