While at the gym!

I am one of those unlucky ones, who just needs to look at food, I'll put on weight. I am also "blessed" with hormonal imbalances and slow metabolism. So I try to live an active and healthy lifestyle; working out at the gym is my persistent attempt to persevere and stay healthy. 

I head to the gym, equipped with good music, comfortable workout clothes and my kindle too! Often, I choose my choice of "repetitive torture" and invariably end up watching people. You come across such a variety of entertaining people that these tools are often forgotten! Let's get this out of the way, yes! it's great all these people ( yours-truly included) make an effort to stay fit and prioritize some time at the gym in the middle of a busy day! These are just light-hearted observations of people, you don't need to get offended...if you do, please feel free to click on the X button at the top-right corner! 

1. The Rabid Runners
They are perennially on the treadmill running so fast; at such high intensity that the room is filled with the rattling noise. They are sweating it out in buckets, literally! I look at them in exasperation while torturing myself on the elliptical and wondering when I will ever reach those levels of stamina.

2. The Pinterest Pupil
...and then there are those who constantly look at their mobiles to follow a certain sequence of workouts. I take a peek (while humbly picking up a 1 or 2 kg dumbbell) at the super-fit-chick's mobile, who does handstands, burpees, lifts, squats and what-not...and realize that the virtual instructor is Pinterest! ....aah, the many advantages of the world-wide-web, eh?

3. The Spirited Sanitizers
...I am very amused at these people. Before they begin working out, they will obsessively sanitize every equipment religiously - the screen, the handles etc. While I understand that it is good hygiene and is also common courtesy to keep it clean for the next person, it is highly entertaining to see how paranoid people can get, in a place where you expect people to sweat-it-out! To me, it is over-sanitized! 

4. The Passionate Fashionate
....always seen in the most trendy and hip athletic wear, better known as athleisure wear in recent times. Their workout clothes are a perfect fit; extremely flattering and provides "inspiration" to commoners like me. The legs have transparent panels, the sports bras are in trending,neon colours screaming for your attention or they already have flat, toned abs in those leggings that you feel like they probably live at the gym!

Sometimes, there are some really skimpily dressed men in tiny shorts and singlets that make me squirm. Irrespective of the weather, their clothes are uncomfortably short. In addition, they will direct the fan towards them when the air conditioner is full on blowing cold air. Go figure!

5. The Music Mavens
...I can relate to this group a lot! I can't survive working out without good music. I have "inspiring tracks" to keep me going or some moving melodies to relax me, at times. I go into panic mode if the phone charge is low and I am unsure if it will last until I finish my workout time. I am also someone who will stop working out in the middle to change tracks or ensure my headphones are in place, before I do anything else. The headphones and phone are of prime importance to go to the gym. I have observed a few others who are in tandem with me. 

6. The Manic Multitaskers
...those who try to squeeze in as many tasks as possible while walking on the treadmill or puffing away at high speed on the elliptical. I have noticed many people catch up on calls ( I am guilty of doing that too!), check e-mails, messages, whatsapp ( of course!), watch videos on Youtube and even read books. 

If you fall into any of these categories, don't take yourself too seriously. Go ahead and have a hearty laugh!

Personality Update!

As I read through my recent posts, I realize they are all about Baby Girl, her yearly updates or our amusing conversations, her antics and so on and so forth....so I can remember these details for posterity! As evident as it can be, my life, heart and mind is filled with thoughts of her, she is truly my life. 

I have changed so much as a person since I became a mother! You can often hear S commenting to BabyGirl that your mother has become so serious now, and add that " she was so wild, impulsive and really silly". My immediate response to that is that i can't impart discipline if I am not disciplined or serious myself! Interestingly, as I sit here, unable to sleep, introspecting how I have evolved over time, I am a changed person indeed. I worry a lot more, am really paranoid about everyone's health or safety, and often have sleepless nights over the tiniest details. Earlier, i would just sleep and not worry about anything and be carefree...not a good change, I know! But it is what it is...

I am blessed with wonderful parents and I have an amazing relationship with them. It has taken me so long to understand that its not a given. There are so many others who do not have the luxury of unconditional love like I do. I would always seek attention, want something especially emotional support from them all the time. Recently, I have begun to finally understand that they are getting old. I should be the one offering at least emotional support if not physical support. I am always missing them physically and long to touch them everyday. EVERYDAY. There's always something that reminds me of Amma or Appa. That will NEVER change either. That's how it should be. As time passes by, I have lost so many loved ones and the first thing that always comes to my mind is that the biggest disservice that you can do to a loved soul is to forget them. Always keep them alive in your happy memories. I always remember you and the good times, Balaram mama...

On the professional front, I have started yet again, from scratch in Hong Kong. I am working independently here, I am my own boss. I can't say i have reached my goal but i will get there, slow and steady. I have never been someone who gives up easily. thankfully, that has NOT changed. I juggle many hats with absolutely no help here and honestly, that's the way I like it too. It makes me feel accomplished, self-reliant and totally busy through the week. I like a routine to my days, not the kind of person who likes it to be a "weekend kinda day" everyday, for sure.

Life teaches you a lot of lessons along the way and you learn to appreciate, acknowledge and embrace both big and small blessings in your life. I have come a long way in that sense. I do not take any relationship, situation or possession for granted, especially considering all that I have today was a dream of yesterday. I have learnt it the hard way that these dreams do not come true for everyone. Its important to be thankful for everything you have, and also for everything you do not have. There is a reason for it, you don't know it YET.

Being Amma's daughter!

"Will you feed me? Please, Amma?" she asks me gingerly, with the most beautiful smile, an almost impish smile...knowing my answer already. My all-knowing baby girl who is 4 already! 

I reprimand myself for being such a pushover and eagerly feeding her, just happy to know that she is eating healthy, nutritious meals or that she is even trying new things that I have hidden inside the food she loves to eat. I want her to be independent, enforce discipline and all the blah you read across various platforms about "parenting rules" while fully being aware of the fact that how long will she ask me to feed her? 

It's a different thing that I long for Amma to feed me, a fully grown woman and a responsible mother( this lovely child in my care) now...I remember vividly even now, Amma rushing to work all dressed in a smart and crisp cotton saree or gorgettes 
( depending on her mood or that time of the month) having a proper lunch at breakfast time to last for a long working day....steaming hot rice mixed with ghee, rasam or sambar and I could just not resist a couple of mouthfuls from her plate, with only her hands. Those handfuls were the most delicious food I ever tasted...even if I ate the same food properly on my own plate, with absolutely no interest later. It did not have the same flavour my Amma's hands could add to it. I can taste that morsel of food in my mouth, even now. Contentment. Happiness. Cherished Love...I feel so lucky and blessed and I truly want to pass on the same kind of love and contentment to my Baby Girl. There are sick days when I would give anything for that warm food only from Amma :-)

Life comes full circle, isn't it? I remember that Amma would often tell me " iru, iru ...unna madiriye unakku oru ponnu porakkum...appo theriyum onakku" which roughly translates to " Wait, wait...you will also have a daughter just like you! then...you will know"!!! Little did I know that my Baby Girl would be at least a 100X more exasperating than I was! Growing up, like everyone else, I sort of had a phase when I hated my mother for being so strict, or wanting to know every little detail about me or not allowing me to do something. But now I appreciate her for being my mother in the truest sense! She would often tell me that even if you hate me, I am doing it for your own good. Thank god she did...I turned out so well. LOL! Being a parent is definitely not easy. It's a really tough hat to adorn - I had no idea until I became one! When you are solely responsible for another human being's mental and physical well being - you want to doubly make sure you do it right, every single moment of it. 

I live away from my parents and nowadays I am always thinking of them. I feel like I am missing spending time with them physically but my life is here. I know it's part of life and everyone goes through it. But that does not make it any easier especially on some days. Sigh.

Revel in your blessings

I have recently begun to acknowledge the fact that ( I can only speak for myself) I have been so busy wanting to reach somewhere or achieve something that I forget that I have so many things and people in my life that I could only ever dream of , at one point of time earlier. I have become less thankful for all that i have and i really needed to write down the things I could only dream of, to make me realize how blessed I am.

I can safely say that there is a certain "tehraav" in my mind now, a certain stability. I am practicing yoga and sub-consciously it has brought so many changes in my life. I have begun to accept things as they are, learnt to move away from negativity and most importantly, make healthy choices - in all aspects - food, people, attitude. It is obviously gradual but it astonishes me as I honestly never made a conscious decision to do that. It just happened organically.

It feels like yesterday when I would lie in bed and visualize this beautiful baby in my arms, her baby breath on my cheeks, caressing the soft skin on her cheek...and Baby Girl is 3.5 years already! I remember vividly how I kept asking S ..." is she really mine?" repeatedly when I gave birth to her and they instantly placed her on my chest. It all feels like a beautiful dream except it came true and this gorgeous god-like child is in my life - very loving, calming at times, extremely intelligent, very very active,...she is so full of wonderful surprises....she amazes me and has in fact, changed me radically! I would not have in any other way....she will always be THE one thing that I will always be proud of, whatever happens in my lifetime. I can never thank you enough God, for giving her to us.
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Just this other day I had this conversation with Baby Girl, at the changing table :

I am changing her for school after her bath and maybe i looked upset or sad ( i was thinking about something ...)

Baby Girl: amma, why are you sad, amma?

Me: arre...no, i am not sad baby!

Baby Girl: no amma...you are sad .. you are not smiling like you always do...

Me: i smiled ....

She hugs me , smoothens my hair , cups my face in her hands and says " i will buy you a big toy...a big doll house ? Then you will be happy na???

I was stumped and my eyes welled up with tears of joy at her display of empathy and kindness !
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I have always been a very happy-go-lucky, wild and crazy sort of person. That is basically who I am...but recently, life, being a mother (responsible for another being maybe?), bigger responsibilities have made me more serious, quieter and more philosophical.

As this change is such a contrast to who I am, S tells me often that I so miss your former child-like self.

Until he told me I had no idea that the change in me was that visible! When Baby Girl and I are alone, I become a child again. We laugh, play crazy, do wacky things together - I see a sparkle in her eyes to see her mother being a child again. Ah, the joy a child can bring when the child wants to! :P
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Staying true to your self!

is not easy! If you have been a regular reader of this blog, you would have noticed that my ambition in life seemed to be able to evolve into a mature, calm and composed self. 

Inherently, I am a free-spirited, impulsive, straight-shooter...as in I mean what I say...of course not to the point of being obnoxious or intentionally hurting someone. Just someone who is simple and easy to understand, what-you-see-is-what-you-get types - the type that is pretty rare exceedingly.

With the passage of time and added responsibilities, I have become more mature, not-always-eager-to-voice-my-opinion types who remain calm and smile at all times. Honestly, it freaks me out when I look at myself or evaluate myself as a third person ( yes, it is possible to do that!)...it feels like I am looking at a totally different person, not the real me.

Obviously, I feel trapped in this grown-up version of me that I have become and look back at my child-like, naive self who would look at everyone with rose-tinted glasses and think that this world and the people in it are all beautiful and good people. I really wish I could go back to being that innocent. Being mature makes you a cynic and someone who does not trust easily and I can't really relate to myself anymore...

Baby Girl is at home all day with me now and we are having fun together - playing hide and seek, running around, playing dress up ( after all I have a a live doll)....of course, partly she drives me up the wall too. When you spend time with that kind of innocence, you realize how flawed we become as we "grow up". 

Often, I have been warned by friends and family that I am too trusting and naive. It is probable that people can take advantage of my naivety. To this date, I have never experienced any negativity like that. EVER. In fact, occasionally when someone wronged me, they came to me and apologized later. So I guess it is better to stay true to who you are, follow your own instincts about life or people and you can be happy as you are :)

All things nice and beautiful!

This is a picture of our Baby Girl, having some quiet time - enjoying the view in solitude. I love this gorgeous picture - I remember it was our 10th anniversary and with a small baby in tow, we celebrated in the best way we could without too many expectations. 

It was a wonderful break and will remain forever in our memories. It was the first time we moved away from home to take a break - it was romantic, relaxing and a few days of absolute bliss, fun and lots of quality time with our Baby Girl! 

This view is so beautiful and all things nice and sweet I could ever dream of! Godspeed! 

The S-Factor!

S is away on work and comes back today evening. I am sitting here in the swing and thinking about him the first time we met. I was very apprehensive about meeting him for the first time, after all I had only seen a picture of him. But when I caught a glimpse of that child-like smile as he removed his footwear to enter our home...his eyes searching for me....a little smile crept on my lips. I can never forget his face from that moment or that day :)

He is a man of few words and very selective about who he gets close to, and I remember my Mother-in-law warning me that he is an introvert and takes time to warm up. Luckily for me, when I met him for the first time until today - HE is the one who talks more! We are always talking to each other - endlessly, continuously, ardently, passionately and about anything, everything, anyone and everyone! Of course, nowadays a lot of interruptions from Baby Girl - but we ALWAYS have loads to tell each other! I just realized that I talk to him just about everything without any filters. You have no idea how liberating that can be.

We have a special relationship and we are extremely lucky and blessed to have found each other. I don't mean the husband-wife thingy alone...we are each other's best friends, though it sounds like a cliche - it's absolutely what makes us work! I can totally be myself, just say anything and everything without a filter. We are always talking endlessly even after all these years. In fact, i remember on my wedding day, we were talking so much during the rituals that my Amma reprimanded me to keep quiet and at least ACT like a shy bride! 

We have come a long way - ups and downs, happiness and tragedies, understandings and misunderstandings, to love and to be loved, disappointments and frustrations, peals of laughter and high-pitched fights. I can safely say that he will always be my first priority above anything or anyone...except  maybe Baby Girl. She didn't come to me very easily
(in my defense). 

He is my best friend, the love and light of my life and I say this with all my heart. Proudly. Happily. Lovingly.

State of Mind!

I look through the archives and I notice that I have a lot to say and I have been thinking too much...or been bothered about something at some point or the other! I am now in a silent space - there is no noise in my head - there is a calm silence, contentment and a tranquil space.

When I think about it, I think it's maturity coupled with an acquired ability to prioritize what really matters. I must also admit that God has blessed me in every way possible and I am very thankful for all the big and little things in my life, they did not come easily. But then, if things do come easily, I doubt I would value it as much...a hard lesson learnt, an important one at that! 

I realize that I have begun to just "let it go". Let go of negativity, anger, expectations, forget ( forgiving does not come easily to me!), bitterness, basically leave no space for any negative space in my mind or heart. It was really difficult to get to this point but once I did...I felt so relieved and much lighter. Like a heavy weight was lifted off me. It feels good. I am happy I did that and if it has helped mend bridges, why not? I am in a contented and happy place...isn't that the best place to be in? :-) 

I have learnt over a period of time that all of us, including me, are more often than not, focused on pleasing others and fit into the "standards" set by others and it does not always work for every individual...as we are all on our individual journeys. I have come to a point where I feel as long as my conscience is clear and I am not hurting anyone's feelings ( this is very important for me!)....and if it makes me happy...i will do it. PERIOD.
It is an easier life, with less conflicts and an ability to feel happy at the smallest things and most importantly, acknowledge and count your blessings! 

Our own little world!

My whole world has changed since Baby Girl arrived, in a good way! ....and I can never say it enough! 

I took a break from work after baby girl as I wanted to see her grow up and enjoy the nascent phase with her. I did it for myself, i wanted to be right there, for all her milestones and totally enjoy being with her. I know that she will not be a little girl again! 
Of course, she clings to me naturally, like everyone of us who want their mother all the time! I still do...

Since we returned to India, S's job requires that he travel ever so often. As a result, its just us on weekdays ( thankfully, he is back on weekends, and insists that its a temporary thing!). So we have our little routine everyday, our playtime, our "rituals" and I am so busy playing with her or learning to deal with her tantrums( oh yeah!) that there is no time to think about anything or anyone but Baby GIrl! We are in our little world entwined, engrossed and totally content with each other. 


I have visually imagined this scenario in my mind, a million times. I see her peacefully sleep and as I watch her profile, I remember breaking my head wondering how she would look, while anxiously looking at her scans in the lab during my pregnancy days. But nothing matches the miracle or the reality that she is! She is an angel, a million rays of sunshine who drives me nuts sometimes! :P

Being a mother has enriched me in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined! Right now, I am happy in my own little world, after all I have an angel for company! My little cherub! 

I love...

- the smell of fresh earth right after it rains....mannvaasanai

- a beautiful morning, a cup of tea and a few minutes of solitude

- watching baby girl cuddle with S, there is so much love in that visual

- thayir sadam and urulakizhangu roast ( curd rice and roast potatoes)

- nowadays....a relaxing long massage

- anything new - a haircut, a dress, jewellery, something for the house, anything!

- lying down on Amma's lap

- tight hugs and numerous kisses from baby girl

- myriad expressions of baby girl - mischief, glee, joy, laughter, serene,introspective ( yes, introspective!)

- a great book, especially gripping ones that are un-put-downable

- freshly manicured nails with interesting nail colors

- a clean, uncluttered and spotless home

- a relaxed Sunday morning, with no agenda, newspaper in hand and a sumptuous breakfast

...in no particular order!

I am a B+ sort of a person now!

"Don't expect to see positive changes in your life, if you surround yourself with negative people" - I read this somewhere and analyzed my associations very keenly some time back and acted on it. I realized that I get bogged down by other's judgement, opinions and criticism and after a long introspection, it dawned on me that its more about them, it was not me. It was their insecurity, jealousy and envy that brought about all those negative vibes. 

There is nothing much I can do about others. But I can definitely work on myself, my attitude and the way I think. So I began to ruthlessly ignore these people or what they thought of me. IT DOES NOT MATTER. Yes, I can be a better person, without reacting, with silence, and work towards it on my own terms - not based on what other's expect of me. It is not easy - its difficult to turn a deaf ear to hypocrisy, pretense, fake praises, especially jekyl and hyde kind of people, I really began to avoid! 

S is a non-confrontational kind of a person while I confront head on! I always believed that when you confront and talk it out, the problem gets solved. It does get solved, when the other is also ready and wanting to find a solution! So, when there arises a conflict with such insecurity, it is often a never-ending quicksand! It is better to keep silent and be a spectator. Let time run its course...confrontations and communication do not always work! 

You can be hurt, only if you allow yourself to be hurt - i would hear this from S all the time, through my married years. I will not allow anymore. PERIOD. More power to ME!

Old habits die hard!

...Blogging is an old habit and I want to ensure it remains live and kicking! After Baby Girl joyously came into our lives, everything and everyone else has taken a backseat, including the blog! I was pleasantly surprised to receive messages from friends and family that they miss reading my blog...So here I am, taking baby steps - making a "comeback of sorts" on the blog now that I have some time on my hands - some "me-time"!

How have I been? Busy....busy...romba busssyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Life has changed radically and I am thoroughly enjoying my time with Baby Girl. Of course, there are days when she drives me up the wall! Mostly, we are having fun, happy, joyous and totally content. Touch wood. I have become a very patient, saint-like mother, which is probably next to impossible - if you know me personally! BUT I am! :) I have heard Amma tell me very often, when you have your own daughter - you will understand! ...I do NOW!

I am discovering so many qualities about me that I had no idea I possessed...some good, some not-so-good...strength ( both physical and emotional), empathy, excellent time management, multitasking to paranoia, temperamental outbursts ( lack of sleep and tiredness!). 

In my humble opinion, the purity, innocence, simplicity and the unadulterated love and adulation you receive from a child/baby - is something every individual must experience, it is pure joy and more than anything else, makes you want to be a better person - a better version of who you already are - if that makes sense! Having said that, I strongly feel being a parent is for everyone! Its a huge responsibility and definitely requires you to be selfless, to always put someone else before you. It does not come easily. 

...Leaving Paris with a contented heart!

...Oh Boy! Little did I know, back in 2009, when we arrived in Paris, that it would be a life-changing experience on so many levels - apart from the gorgeous view of the Eiffel Tower from our living room of course! ;-) We arrived in Paris in Winter and I experienced hail and snow all at once...and while it felt super romantic at first, I am not a fan of winter anymore! :) I am a sunshine girl, I need all the warmth, literally too! The flip side being the fashionable winter coats and boots, for sure! :D

Paris will forever be special for me (not only because it is a romantic, beautiful city) coz Baby Girl was born here! She is our biggest blessing and God chose to give her to us in Paris! :-) The health care system in France is amazing and they took care of me and my precious child at every point and made sure she was healthy, happy and beautiful and gave her safely in our hands...I am ever grateful for that. They also ensure that the mother is well taken care of, and is able to spring back to good health. Serendipity??!!


I must admit, it was a quite a challenge communicating with the doctors and hospitals due to my limited linguistic abilities a.k.a French!

France is often known as the "land of cheese and wine" and it truly is....while I didn't really acquire a taste for cheese or wine, I did acquire the nation's obsession with fitness and exercise! In these 4 years in Paris, both S and I are a lot fitter and healthier - when you see people jogging at noon or even at 10 at night, we had to take it seriously too! I exercised throughout my pregnancy, even til before I was going into labour - and it made the entire process so much faster and easier...I will ensure that it continues even after we go back to India, the elliptical at home, for sure is an investment!

We have traveled to some absolutely gorgeous countries in Europe (I can't believe we have been to 16 countries so far!). S had told me long back that I should take him on a Europe trip on our 10th anniversary! I made it all come true even before that! :P
Jokes apart, we are truly blessed to be able to travel to so many beautiful places and the beauty is etched in our memories forever...we both love travelling and living in Paris gave us the access and comfort level to plan ahead and have a good time! ...and we had a lovely vacation ever so often, whenever we could get away...

I have acquired a few "forever friends" with whom I had fun times - learning new things, sharing our different cultures, thoughts, aspirations and I have felt as loved and understood as I would, with some of my best friends! Our different backgrounds didn't really matter - deep down, we all value the same things and seem to have the same common problems! We may be across different parts of the world - but I am sure we will stay in touch and visit each other often ( hopefully! - Catrin, if you are reading this, this is specifically directed at YOU!)

On a more serious note, I think I have also matured in my thought process - I have learnt to accept people as they are - I tend to judge someone instantly, I don't do that anymore! I have learnt that its unwise to judge someone unless you have experienced it yourself! 
When you live alone, especially abroad in a country where the language and people are alien....I have realized and feel grateful for all the love, family, support I have - both physically and emotionally - never take anything or anyone for granted! 

All said and done, "home is where the heart is..." and I am excited about moving back to India too and can't wait to take Baby Girl to meet all my friends and family, and we will all live happily together wherever we are - she will go to her own home and her own room - ALREADY! She receives a lot of love and affection across the globe, and she is truly a blessed soul in that sense :-)

Have I changed?

...of course I have...we all change over a period of time! Some of us change drastically - I would like to think I have changed for the better...I always observe that I react differently to a situation now, than I did in the past...I don't waste my time or go out of my way to ponder over something that is not within my control anymore , and this is something I have to learnt to let go consciously. Especially, with people or "friends"! Its impossible to please EVERYONE - PERIOD. I have realized that its not absolutely essential that every single individual should like me or vice versa, and agree with my point of view or vice versa. Finally, I understand the phrase " agree to disagree"! :)

My mind is never free - I am always thinking about something or the other...and since I moved to Paris, I realize that I enjoy the silence and the quiet times here a lot more now. Initially, I missed the hustle-bustle back home and missed all the familiar noises. Now, it irritates me when someone talks loudly on the Metro or when a group of people make a lot of noise. While, I have been guilty of all that sometime back... I no longer feel, I need to voice my opinion or views all the time, any longer! I feel that I need to talk or be heard - selectively! Of course, I am still close to the people I love and am very vociferous with them...except I don't feel the same way with everyone...in that aspect, I have indeed changed! :)

As I read through this, I have to admit that I feel I am slowly removing all the clutter in my mind - slowly but steadily and its definitely a good change! Its been very busy since the beginning of this year - and I have not written much on the blog this year...here's to making a start with something...

Attempt at fiction - 2!

After this, here's my second one...let me know what you think?

Thoughts go on a Relay Race!

Bhairavi, is fierce and strong as her name suggests - her personality had an air of regality and her confidence was always mistaken for arrogance by strangers! She made heads turn wherever she went and everyone felt she had it all, to the point of envy...

Today, she was feeling depressed and low and really needed a push, she thought to herself! She smiled to herself, as she drove to work. She was recalling her dream earlier this morning...in her dream, she was having a splendid view of the sea from the top of a hill when two giant birds came along, and swooped down to carry her along with them...and just as she was enjoying the ride, she saw lovely colors everywhere as she looked down...the lush greens, the deep blues and among all the landscape little white dots of buildings everywhere...she saw a distinct red dot of a bindi. The fierce red light brought her back to reality and she screeched just in time to stop at the signal!

 The red dot or bindi was such a hot topic or conversation starters with her Non-Indian colleagues. On her trips abroad or when the westerners visited India, they would often ask a lot of questions about India and Indian customs. The ever-popular question was about the significance of bindi. At first, Bhairavi explained that its a sign of being married but later did a bit of research, and googled, isn’t that what everyone does these days? She found that there was much more to it than just being a symbol of her relationship status, it had a much deeper meaning like many other Hindu customs!

It is believed that the area between the eyebrows, where the bindi is placed, is said to be the 'departure' area for kundalini energy and the bindi helps to retain energy and increase concentration. Her mother explained that it is also a way of warding off bad luck. With her new-found wisdom, Bhairavi felt that it actually made sense to wear a bindi with pride!

Talking of pride, hasn't it gained undue importance recently, especially in a totally misguided sense? Most people she knew seemed to revel in their material accomplishments which was good as long as they didn't gloat and compare with friends and peers. Bhairavi was beyond such pettiness but a victim herself - in a different sense. She did not share her misgivings or disappointments even with people who were close to her. Pride stopped her. She liked to pretend she lived a perfect life!

Perfection! Alas, can it be defined? To seek and attain perfection in anything and everything is like an act of finality. Bhairavi strongly believed that being perfect or perfection is a relative term and it was an illusion, yet akin to hope at the end of the tunnel! Maya…

Maya was her best friend who brought out the best in Bhairavi. She was everything Bhairavi strived to be; compassionate, spontaneous, free-spirited and most importantly, non-judgemental! Bhairavi felt free in the company of her friend, who loved her unconditionally without making any demands of her; Maya made Bhairavi feel pure and sort of ethereal like babies…

Have you ever smelt baby skin? It is reminiscent of purity, innocence and absolute joy; everything that you want to believe exists in this wonderful life…Bhairavi felt invigorated in the presence of babies. It gave her a feeling of utopia as she raced ahead in the car, zooming ahead towards a new world after meandering through her thoughts, what a journey!

Don’t we all know that the journey is more important than the destination? Bhairavi realized it today…

Life as I knew it...

We all have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world, don't we? When I was much younger, single and basically " a frog in the well", life was pretty simple! :) I just needed to get certain things done, and I thought that's about it - I am "there"!


As I began to explore, my circle of friends got bigger and I "broadened my horizons", so to speak, that feeling of achievement or contentment seems like a mirage! Now, I yearn for those simple days when it all seemed so much easier! :) Believe you me, I am not a cynic in any sense, but I just feel that "innocence" abandoned me somewhere along the way!

Most people who know me, may not believe this - but I am kind of skeptical about everything now - people, things, places, hell - even a friendly smile! But the thing is, by god's grace, except for a few not-so-good (at all!) events and fewer people - I am blessed and I am totally aware of it and openly acknowledge it! A good friend of mine was upset about something and when I tried to console her, she said " Oh, its easy for you to say - coz everything is perfect for you". I didn't say anything. The fact of the matter is nobody's life is perfect though it appears so! :) My life's good, but definitely not perfect - ask S or my amma - they will scream loudly that its NOT! coz they get to hear all my crap and console ME! How lucky are they? :P

I used to care a lot about other's opinions and have this innate need for everyone to like me. I am on edge if someone dislikes me. Over time, I guess I have changed...I don't bother anymore! Its just me, once I make up my mind - that's it! I have always been a confident person since childhood and I do know that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance! The way I look at it now, it all depends on you ....how you want to see me - my confident self or my arrogant self? If you still feel its arrogance - too bad! If you want to be negative about everything, including me - well, what can I say? You are entitled to your opinion and so am I! I have decided to live a life true to myself, not what is expected of me. capishe?

I cannot say this enough - always be positive, things change and for good! As a matter of fact, some not-so-good things happened in my life, that led to some great things! :) That should mean SOMETHING, right? Keep the faith! PERIOD.

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments...

Comfortable Silence...

...I always love the New Year, for me it is reminiscent of hope, excitement and a wee bit anxiety of what is to come? Sometimes, a wee bit too much excitement or anxiety depending on my state of mind! S had to remind me that its just another day, being his practical self, while I expect miracles overnight like a little child...I mull over it and realize that this is who I AM, someone who gets excited over every tiny detail...

I always thought its a good thing to be an open book, you know? Often, even a stranger can just glance at me and know what I am feeling! Over time, I wanted to be mysterious and alluring. But try as much, I end up being like an "open-book exam". I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is ME! I don't want to say "Take it or leave it..." but I would like to say I love the way I am... do you?

There is not as much noise in my head as it used to be...am enjoying the comforting silence...I don't think I have changed radically within the last year, it has been a gradual and positive change, both emotionally and physically.

- Offlate, my opinions and instincts have begun to matter to me. Usually, I would ignore them, thinking I don't have the knowledge or expertise to take an informed decision. NOW, I listen to my heart, even if my mind feels differently and it makes me happy. Finally, that's what matters!

- I have reduced physically, feel more energetic, healthier and fitter. I would like to think I have gained mentally and grown into a mature and happy mind, body and soul.

- I have realized that when you smile more...you attract a lot of happiness to yourself and the people around you! I try to stay away from negative people. I do believe in negative energy and negative vibes.

- I have let go of my inhibitions...I don't think twice about complimenting someone or a complete stranger. Once, while shopping somewhere in India. while I stood in the queue to pay for the shopping, a young girl in college maybe, stood behind me wearing some gorgeous shoes I simply loved! Earlier, I would have just thought to myself that those shoes are awesome! But that day, I smiled at her and said " Your shoes are really cool" and it was so lovely to see genuine happiness on her face and she beamed at me. I realized that I had changed...for good! :)

- I am a blessed soul in many aspects and I am very thankful to God for everything and everyone he has given me. I truly am!

- I am trying really hard to take each day as it comes....i LOVE surprises, but not shocks! So its difficult for me to let go and not worry about the future. But I am consciously trying to enjoy every moment and every day instead of focussing on tomorrow!

Indeed, "Happiness is a state of mind"! Peace, love, joy, happiness and good health to you and yours in 2011! :)

Thinking aloud...

When I created this blog, I did'nt really think or intend for a lot of people to read it, just thought of it as an online journal and hence the inane title and screen-name...I did'nt give it too much thought. Interestingly, friends who read my blog nowadays seem to refer to me as 'prettywoman' and it brings a smile on my face! :)

Some time back, I saw an interview of the gorgeous Actress Goldie Hawn, she has a certain child-like enthusiasm in her that is adorable. She said that when her mother died....80% in her did too....She said " I thought to myself - who would I want to make proud now? ". That is EXACTLY how I feel about my parents - both Amma and Appa. Fortunately, my parents are here with me and by God's grace and blessings, I hope they will be with me for a long time to come....But I think of them every single day in every little thing I do...and rush to call Amma to give her all the little tiny details of my life with as much description as possible.

I think I am still their 'little girl' - I know that's how it is from every parent's eyes! In my case, I'd rather remain that and not grow up! I still revel in their pride and feel deliriously happy when I make them proud, especially when they tell me so often that I do! :) Noone else's opinion matters as much!

Off late, I have heard of so many young people who have died suddenly, 21, 23 and 30 years old - an accident, a sudden illness and I can't stop thinking about how unfulfilled souls they would be...their unrealised dreams, love, places they have never been to, unfulfilled desires...I find it difficult to explain the anguish I feel for them...often, people console you that they are in a better place...but I fervently wish God had given them more time!

One of them was a friend who would talk to me very often about her personal life and she also told me that she would have noone to talk to, as I was relocating to a different city. We tried to remain in touch through the distance and she had been through a difficult relationship, divorced and was really looking forward to love, a new life...new beginnings....it haunts me that she did'nt live long enough to enjoy the good things in life...she did not live life fully...I wonder what went through her mind...

Once, I read on someone's wall on facebook that " Never tell your problems to anyone ...20% don't really care and the other 80% are really glad you have them". I personally think that its a very cynical way of looking at it and fact remains that nobody can really solve your problems. I don't want to be cynical or bitter, I would like to believe that there is goodness in everyone. If the problems are within your control, try to solve them and if they are out of your control, I normally pray to God. That's all I can do and I strongly believe he knows what is best for us...have to admit that its difficult to remain optimistic and cheerful ALL the time...I do have my days! :) But I jump back to action pretty soon...I don't stay sad for too long, simply because it takes little things to make me happy :) and Of course, I have a fantastic support system. Amma's positive words and vibrant nature always makes me feel much better and I feel hopeful.

Many of my friends feel comfortable enough with me to share their very personal things or problems and I am glad that I can be someone they can trust...for a long time, I would always ruminate and try to think of a solution to their problem...then I realized that when I go talk to S or Amma about something that troublles me, do I expect a solution? I don't , I just want to vent...that's all. So I got my answer. I am very well aware that we all have to fight our individual battles but its easier when you have someone who is a good moral support and is generally optimistic about everything...the positive energy is infectious and renews hope in you.

A friend in college once told me that she feels that I am like water in a jug! Apparently, I adapt myself to my surroundings and people as water does to the jug or any container that holds it! Being a piscean, I do love water - be it the beach or tears! Both S and my brother make fun of me...especially if we are watching an emotional scene or a sad movie...coz I am always in tears!!

Last but not the least thought in my mind...is that if someone looks me up and down on the street or when I am out...the first thing that crosses my mind is " Damn! Are my pants unzipped?" and I check! :D

What are YOU thinking about?

Positivity Week (Day 7)!

Today is the final day of the 'Positivity Week' and I think God really wants to test how positivie I am, coz I had a bad day and its going to be difficult to list my 5 things today! No, I am not giving up and will make an effort! :)

1. I am thankful for the warm hug S gave me when I was visibly upset. He calmed me down when I reached home to vent my 'bad feelings' and misery. He can instantly figure out all my moods even if I don't utter a word! I am one of those people who needs to vent it all out, I never keep anything negative or positive bottled up - I believe letting it all out helps you move on...

2. An old lady in the Metro struck a conversation with me (which is a rare occurence as people hardly look at you, forget having a conversation!)...and before she had to get off...she said "You have dimples, no wonder your smile is so beautiful"!! The compliment warmed my heart and made me smile :)

3. I am happy that I found 'Kaushiki Chakrabarty' and her melodious voice that calms all my senses. I feel tranquil in those moments. :)

4. I am another day closer to seeing my darling Amma and Anna! :)

5. This is my 301th post...In Indian culture, when people give money as a gift or blessing, they add an extra rupee to it, like Rs.1001, Rs.501 etc. There is some significance to that practice. It symbolizes the intention of giving a little more than expected, a symbol of prosperity and abundance...which does not stop with a round figure. Similarly, I am happy that this is not my 300th post, but is my 301st post...and I believe it means I will always have happy memories and thoughts to share as time passes by...

This experiment has made me realize that I have so many things/people in my life who make it so much more worthwhile. On all days, (today is an exception), I did'nt need too much time to think about 5 things that made me happy...I am not just looking at the brighter side...I have learnt that there is sunshine and happiness all around...I just need to remove the shades that I am wearing! Enjoy the sunshine and happiness, its out there..within your reach!