Being Amma's daughter!

"Will you feed me? Please, Amma?" she asks me gingerly, with the most beautiful smile, an almost impish smile...knowing my answer already. My all-knowing baby girl who is 4 already! 

I reprimand myself for being such a pushover and eagerly feeding her, just happy to know that she is eating healthy, nutritious meals or that she is even trying new things that I have hidden inside the food she loves to eat. I want her to be independent, enforce discipline and all the blah you read across various platforms about "parenting rules" while fully being aware of the fact that how long will she ask me to feed her? 

It's a different thing that I long for Amma to feed me, a fully grown woman and a responsible mother( this lovely child in my care) now...I remember vividly even now, Amma rushing to work all dressed in a smart and crisp cotton saree or gorgettes 
( depending on her mood or that time of the month) having a proper lunch at breakfast time to last for a long working day....steaming hot rice mixed with ghee, rasam or sambar and I could just not resist a couple of mouthfuls from her plate, with only her hands. Those handfuls were the most delicious food I ever tasted...even if I ate the same food properly on my own plate, with absolutely no interest later. It did not have the same flavour my Amma's hands could add to it. I can taste that morsel of food in my mouth, even now. Contentment. Happiness. Cherished Love...I feel so lucky and blessed and I truly want to pass on the same kind of love and contentment to my Baby Girl. There are sick days when I would give anything for that warm food only from Amma :-)

Life comes full circle, isn't it? I remember that Amma would often tell me " iru, iru ...unna madiriye unakku oru ponnu porakkum...appo theriyum onakku" which roughly translates to " Wait, wait...you will also have a daughter just like you! then...you will know"!!! Little did I know that my Baby Girl would be at least a 100X more exasperating than I was! Growing up, like everyone else, I sort of had a phase when I hated my mother for being so strict, or wanting to know every little detail about me or not allowing me to do something. But now I appreciate her for being my mother in the truest sense! She would often tell me that even if you hate me, I am doing it for your own good. Thank god she did...I turned out so well. LOL! Being a parent is definitely not easy. It's a really tough hat to adorn - I had no idea until I became one! When you are solely responsible for another human being's mental and physical well being - you want to doubly make sure you do it right, every single moment of it. 

I live away from my parents and nowadays I am always thinking of them. I feel like I am missing spending time with them physically but my life is here. I know it's part of life and everyone goes through it. But that does not make it any easier especially on some days. Sigh.

Diwali in Hong Kong, this year! (2016)

Diwali is one of my most favorite Indian festivals ever! I get really excited about Diwali and the enthusiasm never really fades...of course, I have celebrated it differently, in different cities, even countries now - with a new set of people, new friends, new surroundings and definitely new experiences. This time it was in Hong Kong since we moved here mid-2016.


Here's some quirk for you right at the entrance...I think S and I love the owls more than Baby Girl! 

When we were in Paris I would feel very homesick when it was Diwali but eventually we found our way around and began to celebrate in our own way with dear friends. In Hong Kong, I have more company and my friends at the society had arranged a Diwali party and it was really a lot of fun. 

There was so much activity around Diwali in Baby Girl's school too and this year I managed to wear sarees thrice in a week! ...which is a record in itself as far as i am concerned. As always, I tried to add a festive vibe to our home decor in my own little way!

My precious uruli  featured in this picture...I also use them to display floating flowers sometimes...it looks beautiful and adds a lovely charm to the decor.

I have some trivia to share about this wrought-iron stand! I bought this stand online for a real bargain but when it arrived - one of the support at the bottom was broken. I was not too keen on returning the product so I found a solution - through the local carpenter or grill makers and fixed it - thanks to my house help who took it all the way by herself and brought it back for me. God bless her...it shipped all the way to Hong Kong with us!

I have a nice collection of brass figurines of Ganesha, Lord Vishnu,Meenakshi Amman, brass bells and other pretty paraphernalia and I absolutely love them. Some of them have been passed on to me from my mother and Mother-in-Law, very kind of them and I cherish them so very much.

Our home in HK came with this big display unit in the living room. At first, I didn't really like it so much but gradually i began to realize how useful it is especially when you live in a relatively small space than you have been used to earlier...it's a great way to display all our memorabilia and to hide all our ugly wires and unnecessary necessities inside the drawers that come with it! Win-win!

 It was a busy and fun Diwali, quieter than it would be back at home but definitely enjoyable. Wishing everyone in this world a happy diwali and a year filled with goodness, hope, happiness and tons of love! 

Staying true to your self!

is not easy! If you have been a regular reader of this blog, you would have noticed that my ambition in life seemed to be able to evolve into a mature, calm and composed self. 

Inherently, I am a free-spirited, impulsive, straight-shooter...as in I mean what I say...of course not to the point of being obnoxious or intentionally hurting someone. Just someone who is simple and easy to understand, what-you-see-is-what-you-get types - the type that is pretty rare exceedingly.

With the passage of time and added responsibilities, I have become more mature, not-always-eager-to-voice-my-opinion types who remain calm and smile at all times. Honestly, it freaks me out when I look at myself or evaluate myself as a third person ( yes, it is possible to do that!)...it feels like I am looking at a totally different person, not the real me.

Obviously, I feel trapped in this grown-up version of me that I have become and look back at my child-like, naive self who would look at everyone with rose-tinted glasses and think that this world and the people in it are all beautiful and good people. I really wish I could go back to being that innocent. Being mature makes you a cynic and someone who does not trust easily and I can't really relate to myself anymore...

Baby Girl is at home all day with me now and we are having fun together - playing hide and seek, running around, playing dress up ( after all I have a a live doll)....of course, partly she drives me up the wall too. When you spend time with that kind of innocence, you realize how flawed we become as we "grow up". 

Often, I have been warned by friends and family that I am too trusting and naive. It is probable that people can take advantage of my naivety. To this date, I have never experienced any negativity like that. EVER. In fact, occasionally when someone wronged me, they came to me and apologized later. So I guess it is better to stay true to who you are, follow your own instincts about life or people and you can be happy as you are :)

The S-Factor!

S is away on work and comes back today evening. I am sitting here in the swing and thinking about him the first time we met. I was very apprehensive about meeting him for the first time, after all I had only seen a picture of him. But when I caught a glimpse of that child-like smile as he removed his footwear to enter our home...his eyes searching for me....a little smile crept on my lips. I can never forget his face from that moment or that day :)

He is a man of few words and very selective about who he gets close to, and I remember my Mother-in-law warning me that he is an introvert and takes time to warm up. Luckily for me, when I met him for the first time until today - HE is the one who talks more! We are always talking to each other - endlessly, continuously, ardently, passionately and about anything, everything, anyone and everyone! Of course, nowadays a lot of interruptions from Baby Girl - but we ALWAYS have loads to tell each other! I just realized that I talk to him just about everything without any filters. You have no idea how liberating that can be.

We have a special relationship and we are extremely lucky and blessed to have found each other. I don't mean the husband-wife thingy alone...we are each other's best friends, though it sounds like a cliche - it's absolutely what makes us work! I can totally be myself, just say anything and everything without a filter. We are always talking endlessly even after all these years. In fact, i remember on my wedding day, we were talking so much during the rituals that my Amma reprimanded me to keep quiet and at least ACT like a shy bride! 

We have come a long way - ups and downs, happiness and tragedies, understandings and misunderstandings, to love and to be loved, disappointments and frustrations, peals of laughter and high-pitched fights. I can safely say that he will always be my first priority above anything or anyone...except  maybe Baby Girl. She didn't come to me very easily
(in my defense). 

He is my best friend, the love and light of my life and I say this with all my heart. Proudly. Happily. Lovingly.

When did my baby girl become a little girl already?

Come August, my precious baby girl will become a little girl, already! Where did the time fly, no just zoom? She has brought an immense amount of happiness and meaning into our lives. She is truly an amazing child, even if i sound like an indulgent mother....I honestly feel that way. In fact, I often tell S, that I consider having Baby Girl,the single most biggest achievement of my life. Even if i become super successful, very popular, very rich or receive the highest honor in some field....anything! Nothing can match the exclusive life-changing feeling of becoming a mother, especially to my little Baby Girl.

I was just looking at an old video of a chubby, bald Baby Girl saying 'tha tha tha...' continuously and I can hear myself encouraging her to talk more...and cut to the present, she talks non-stop and can understand almost everything...in all the languages we speak, be it tamizh, hindi or english. Where did my little baby go? Thank god, she still has the "mazhalai" intact ( roughly translated as baby language).

She can totally drive me up the wall sometimes, with her antics, non-stop mischief and the constant meddling with all my expensive cosmetics or knick-knacks that we have carefully picked up from different places during our travel. But the very next minute can be the most adorable loving child, who comes and asks me " Amma....why kochi? ( angry?)...I huggie you...ok?"...and give me the most loving hug and reward me with lots of kisses all over the face. How can you stay angry at all? :-) 

She is extremely protective and possessive of me. Even if S jokingly hits me or fools around with me ....she will scold him in her baby ways, its damn cute! When we go down to the park to play in the evenings with her cycle....and I hold a little baby....she will come running from wherever she is...and tell the child "She is MY Amma!" 

It is wonderful to wake up with a beautiful baby sleeping peacefully next to you. It brings an instant happiness in to your lives and fills up your heart with joy! I always wake her up happily, talking to her lovingly....it is OUR time and you can hear squeals and peals of laughter...warm hugs, smiles and kisses! 

We are truly blessed and thank you God for Baby Girl. She is my world and I am her world. Ideal, isn't it? 

State of Mind!

I look through the archives and I notice that I have a lot to say and I have been thinking too much...or been bothered about something at some point or the other! I am now in a silent space - there is no noise in my head - there is a calm silence, contentment and a tranquil space.

When I think about it, I think it's maturity coupled with an acquired ability to prioritize what really matters. I must also admit that God has blessed me in every way possible and I am very thankful for all the big and little things in my life, they did not come easily. But then, if things do come easily, I doubt I would value it as much...a hard lesson learnt, an important one at that! 

I realize that I have begun to just "let it go". Let go of negativity, anger, expectations, forget ( forgiving does not come easily to me!), bitterness, basically leave no space for any negative space in my mind or heart. It was really difficult to get to this point but once I did...I felt so relieved and much lighter. Like a heavy weight was lifted off me. It feels good. I am happy I did that and if it has helped mend bridges, why not? I am in a contented and happy place...isn't that the best place to be in? :-) 

I have learnt over a period of time that all of us, including me, are more often than not, focused on pleasing others and fit into the "standards" set by others and it does not always work for every individual...as we are all on our individual journeys. I have come to a point where I feel as long as my conscience is clear and I am not hurting anyone's feelings ( this is very important for me!)....and if it makes me happy...i will do it. PERIOD.
It is an easier life, with less conflicts and an ability to feel happy at the smallest things and most importantly, acknowledge and count your blessings! 

I love...

- the smell of fresh earth right after it rains....mannvaasanai

- a beautiful morning, a cup of tea and a few minutes of solitude

- watching baby girl cuddle with S, there is so much love in that visual

- thayir sadam and urulakizhangu roast ( curd rice and roast potatoes)

- nowadays....a relaxing long massage

- anything new - a haircut, a dress, jewellery, something for the house, anything!

- lying down on Amma's lap

- tight hugs and numerous kisses from baby girl

- myriad expressions of baby girl - mischief, glee, joy, laughter, serene,introspective ( yes, introspective!)

- a great book, especially gripping ones that are un-put-downable

- freshly manicured nails with interesting nail colors

- a clean, uncluttered and spotless home

- a relaxed Sunday morning, with no agenda, newspaper in hand and a sumptuous breakfast

...in no particular order!

My Super Mom (Amma!)

I feel there is a lot of beauty in calling her "Amma" in my mother tongue rather than calling her "Mummy" or "mom"...hence the revised title!

On my way back home yesterday, I could'nt help feeling emotional as I kept thinking about my teen years. When I became 'sweet 16', my mom did the sweetest thing for me. She went to Hyderabad with her friend before my birthday for some occasion....and came back and gifted, not one or two, but 16 dresses!!!!! She was like, I wanted your 16 to be very special for you! :-) I was so touched by her thoughtful sweet gift!


My mom/dad have always been really loving and thoughtful, despite being strict most of the times. I remember when i was 13 or 14, my mom got transferred to Bangalore, and she had to go due to circumstances. My brother and I, stayed with my dad and he took very good care of us. I would cry everytime she came visiting over weekends and when she had to go back...So my dad surprised me the next morning. I woke up to my mom fondly waking me up lovingly with endearments and calling me her sweet little baby....I was thinking I must be dreaming...Amma is in Bangalore, so how can i hear her voice? Actually, my dad had recorded her voice and she spoke to me like she was right there with me...and every day he would wake me up with that recording...When we got back from school, he was very thoughtful and engaged us in learning the 'Hanuman Chalisa'...my brother and I sang the whole shlokas in some time to my Mom in a few days time and her face lit up with happiness....it was worth the effort. Appa did everything he could so that we did not miss Amma too much.

I remember staying with my Perima ( my mom's elder sister) one weekend and crying to see my mom...she was like 'Come to me, darling! I will hug you!" I was such a mean thing and said 'But your sari does not smell like my mom's! I want amma...'!!! She (my perima) is no more but I always think of her as a person with genuine love and affection for me.I think about it now and can't stop feeling bad about my behavior. But at that point, i could'nt fully understand why Amma had to be away from us. She must have been miserable already staying away from her husband and kids. To top it all, if i cried everytime she left, I am sure she would go back to Bangalore very miserable too...I wonder how she coped with it all and remained cheerful and happy, it would make me insane to be in a situation like that. Amma is a very strong woman.
That kind of selfless love, only comes from a parent, I guess!! :-) I feel so blessed when I think of my awesome parents! I am what I am because of them...( I turned out pretty ok, me thinks!) ;-)

Edited to add: Amma in her stylish avataar when she visited us in Paris in 2010!

www.shopo.in

P.S - I WON the contest! Yay!! 

Have I changed?

...of course I have...we all change over a period of time! Some of us change drastically - I would like to think I have changed for the better...I always observe that I react differently to a situation now, than I did in the past...I don't waste my time or go out of my way to ponder over something that is not within my control anymore , and this is something I have to learnt to let go consciously. Especially, with people or "friends"! Its impossible to please EVERYONE - PERIOD. I have realized that its not absolutely essential that every single individual should like me or vice versa, and agree with my point of view or vice versa. Finally, I understand the phrase " agree to disagree"! :)

My mind is never free - I am always thinking about something or the other...and since I moved to Paris, I realize that I enjoy the silence and the quiet times here a lot more now. Initially, I missed the hustle-bustle back home and missed all the familiar noises. Now, it irritates me when someone talks loudly on the Metro or when a group of people make a lot of noise. While, I have been guilty of all that sometime back... I no longer feel, I need to voice my opinion or views all the time, any longer! I feel that I need to talk or be heard - selectively! Of course, I am still close to the people I love and am very vociferous with them...except I don't feel the same way with everyone...in that aspect, I have indeed changed! :)

As I read through this, I have to admit that I feel I am slowly removing all the clutter in my mind - slowly but steadily and its definitely a good change! Its been very busy since the beginning of this year - and I have not written much on the blog this year...here's to making a start with something...

Life as I knew it...

We all have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world, don't we? When I was much younger, single and basically " a frog in the well", life was pretty simple! :) I just needed to get certain things done, and I thought that's about it - I am "there"!


As I began to explore, my circle of friends got bigger and I "broadened my horizons", so to speak, that feeling of achievement or contentment seems like a mirage! Now, I yearn for those simple days when it all seemed so much easier! :) Believe you me, I am not a cynic in any sense, but I just feel that "innocence" abandoned me somewhere along the way!

Most people who know me, may not believe this - but I am kind of skeptical about everything now - people, things, places, hell - even a friendly smile! But the thing is, by god's grace, except for a few not-so-good (at all!) events and fewer people - I am blessed and I am totally aware of it and openly acknowledge it! A good friend of mine was upset about something and when I tried to console her, she said " Oh, its easy for you to say - coz everything is perfect for you". I didn't say anything. The fact of the matter is nobody's life is perfect though it appears so! :) My life's good, but definitely not perfect - ask S or my amma - they will scream loudly that its NOT! coz they get to hear all my crap and console ME! How lucky are they? :P

I used to care a lot about other's opinions and have this innate need for everyone to like me. I am on edge if someone dislikes me. Over time, I guess I have changed...I don't bother anymore! Its just me, once I make up my mind - that's it! I have always been a confident person since childhood and I do know that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance! The way I look at it now, it all depends on you ....how you want to see me - my confident self or my arrogant self? If you still feel its arrogance - too bad! If you want to be negative about everything, including me - well, what can I say? You are entitled to your opinion and so am I! I have decided to live a life true to myself, not what is expected of me. capishe?

I cannot say this enough - always be positive, things change and for good! As a matter of fact, some not-so-good things happened in my life, that led to some great things! :) That should mean SOMETHING, right? Keep the faith! PERIOD.

Thinking aloud...

When I created this blog, I did'nt really think or intend for a lot of people to read it, just thought of it as an online journal and hence the inane title and screen-name...I did'nt give it too much thought. Interestingly, friends who read my blog nowadays seem to refer to me as 'prettywoman' and it brings a smile on my face! :)

Some time back, I saw an interview of the gorgeous Actress Goldie Hawn, she has a certain child-like enthusiasm in her that is adorable. She said that when her mother died....80% in her did too....She said " I thought to myself - who would I want to make proud now? ". That is EXACTLY how I feel about my parents - both Amma and Appa. Fortunately, my parents are here with me and by God's grace and blessings, I hope they will be with me for a long time to come....But I think of them every single day in every little thing I do...and rush to call Amma to give her all the little tiny details of my life with as much description as possible.

I think I am still their 'little girl' - I know that's how it is from every parent's eyes! In my case, I'd rather remain that and not grow up! I still revel in their pride and feel deliriously happy when I make them proud, especially when they tell me so often that I do! :) Noone else's opinion matters as much!

Off late, I have heard of so many young people who have died suddenly, 21, 23 and 30 years old - an accident, a sudden illness and I can't stop thinking about how unfulfilled souls they would be...their unrealised dreams, love, places they have never been to, unfulfilled desires...I find it difficult to explain the anguish I feel for them...often, people console you that they are in a better place...but I fervently wish God had given them more time!

One of them was a friend who would talk to me very often about her personal life and she also told me that she would have noone to talk to, as I was relocating to a different city. We tried to remain in touch through the distance and she had been through a difficult relationship, divorced and was really looking forward to love, a new life...new beginnings....it haunts me that she did'nt live long enough to enjoy the good things in life...she did not live life fully...I wonder what went through her mind...

Once, I read on someone's wall on facebook that " Never tell your problems to anyone ...20% don't really care and the other 80% are really glad you have them". I personally think that its a very cynical way of looking at it and fact remains that nobody can really solve your problems. I don't want to be cynical or bitter, I would like to believe that there is goodness in everyone. If the problems are within your control, try to solve them and if they are out of your control, I normally pray to God. That's all I can do and I strongly believe he knows what is best for us...have to admit that its difficult to remain optimistic and cheerful ALL the time...I do have my days! :) But I jump back to action pretty soon...I don't stay sad for too long, simply because it takes little things to make me happy :) and Of course, I have a fantastic support system. Amma's positive words and vibrant nature always makes me feel much better and I feel hopeful.

Many of my friends feel comfortable enough with me to share their very personal things or problems and I am glad that I can be someone they can trust...for a long time, I would always ruminate and try to think of a solution to their problem...then I realized that when I go talk to S or Amma about something that troublles me, do I expect a solution? I don't , I just want to vent...that's all. So I got my answer. I am very well aware that we all have to fight our individual battles but its easier when you have someone who is a good moral support and is generally optimistic about everything...the positive energy is infectious and renews hope in you.

A friend in college once told me that she feels that I am like water in a jug! Apparently, I adapt myself to my surroundings and people as water does to the jug or any container that holds it! Being a piscean, I do love water - be it the beach or tears! Both S and my brother make fun of me...especially if we are watching an emotional scene or a sad movie...coz I am always in tears!!

Last but not the least thought in my mind...is that if someone looks me up and down on the street or when I am out...the first thing that crosses my mind is " Damn! Are my pants unzipped?" and I check! :D

What are YOU thinking about?

Why do we want it all?

I am all for woman empowerment, rather equalit of the sexes. I am not one of those 'women' who thinks that I am superior to men at all. I would just like to be considered an equal in all respects irrespective of my gender which is often the case in point. But off late, I feel women are inflicting torture upon themselves in wanting to be a 'superwoman' who not only cooks, cleans, personally takes care of her child's needs but also has a flourishing career and a fantastic figure to boast of! The best part of this is that nobody forces her to excel at everything, its a self-inflicted expectation.

Our mothers and grandmothers were so much healthier, happier and most importantly, more relaxed. We are always working hard to prove a point to everyone else (that includes me!) and in the process often choose to ignore our own voices or desires. We never seem to think about what we really want or go after it with enough conviction.Sometime back, I made a conscious decision to not get bogged down by what others think of me. It was not an instant change, but gradually I learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt - both compliments and negativity. I must say it has immensely lightened and enlightened my mind. One step at a time.

Now, my personal objective is to be positive about anything and everything. Surround yourself with happy thoughts and positive people and automatically you will attract all good things in life. I try not to say anything negative or feel negative about anyone or anything which is pretty difficult considering I am human! :) But I am trying... I have a very bad quality, I am very judgemental and judge people very quickly. That is also something I must 'undo'...for example, I used to hate people who smoke, I always thought that having such a nasty habit reflects on their character too. Now, I look at it as a bad habit they must get rid of. PERIOD. It does not make them a bad person. Of course, my judgemental self looks at smoking as a complete lack of self control. I strongly believe that nothing should have control over your senses - be it smoking or any habit! Period. Its all in your mind. Anyway, I digress...

Earlier, I would have pestered the smoking friend to quit or explained how toxic it is and how it affects your system and so on and so forth. Now, I don't say anything unless I am close or comfortable enough to take that liberty! S/he is well aware of how smoking affects them and is making an informed decision when they decided to smoke. Certain things in life are learnt only the hard way round and it applies to me as well. I have had to unlearn a lot of things only through experience, I didn't accept it when it was good advice from my folks! :) Well, at least its not too late! ( No, I don't smoke, am referring to different things!) :)

I agree life is not easy. At the same time, life is beautiful depending on how you want to look at it and what you consciously decide to focus on! Do you know just about ANYONE whose life is perfect or someone who has no problems at all? I want to be a good person, who is happy and cheerful and I would like to spread happiness and cheer in whatever way I can! These are things I have control over. You will never understand how you will yearn for something when its taken away from you...so savour every moment, every day and all the love you get! Be loving and smile as much as you can! I AM! :)

Don't burst my bubble!

I have always wondered how some thing new in your life or when you embark on a new journey in life - it feels as if everybody or the rest of your world validates your decision with their contributions. For example, S and I were engaged for about a year before we got married. During this time, I would notice that his name would appear everywhere - on T.V., billboards, newspaper or I would meet someone with his name!! I always thought that its a sign and a good sign too. While S likes to think that you are more aware of it and hence take notice, I like to think that its providence! It is meant to be...

It amazes me that when I discuss any travel plans with S or I am looking for something to buy for someone, there is an article in the paper or a program on T.V. or someone forwards a link at the exact same time or I attend an interview in a particular company and everybody seems to refer to the same company in different contexts and conversations. I can't believe that all events are mere coincidences! How else do you explain the various occurences in your life? I prefer to remember only the good ones. In fact, except for my first job ( which also just happened!), every time we moved to a different place, I got a job thanks to a new friend I made somewhere( both in Pune and Paris)...and the best part is that they took an active role in helping me find a job when we were not really close friends. We became close friends later. I like to believe that they came into my life for a reason; to fulfill a desire! God has his ways of fulfilling your desires, you need to identify them! Of course, its a fact that I am blessed with such people who think of me for a job or anything for that matter.( Also, god's blessing, I think!). It works the other way too, you get introduced to someone to fulfill a purpose in their life...

I am always intrigued and totally believe in destiny. If it is meant to be, be it a relationship or career or anything signficant in your life, it WILL happen when HE thinks it is the right time! I believe only in happy endings and good things everywhere, i choose to ignore the bad ones or thoughts that disturb me. I love movies with any kind of magic in it and I don't care if it makes me very unrealistic! I don't want to burst my happy bubble. :)

Its my way of protecting myself. what's yours?

Commute on the Metro...

...It takes a little more than half-hour to reach place of work....and its an experience in itself every single day!

Initially, I found it really wierd that people ( especially Paris) are really morose, hardly ever smile and are generally grumpy.Now, I guess I have got used to it and find different ways to amuse myself, like looking at interesting shoes the women wear, hairstyles, fashionable (sometimes look ridiculous to me!) earrings, piercings....I can watch people like forever and not get bored. Of course, on most days good music and books give me company on the train. Anyway, one such day on the Metro filled with morose people, there was this beautiful baby with the most beautiful blue-grey eyes, laughing and gurgling away....the people in the train are so quiet and self-absorbed that her gurgles could be heard clearly.I could see a tiny smile creep in....I got down with a smile!

In the Concorde, Opera and few other Metro stations, IKEA has come up with an innovative idea! In front of all big posters of IKEA, there are colorful couches installed and people just plop down in comfort, to the extent that they even miss the trains deliberately. I am tempted too but am always rushing to work at the last minute, so I can't stop like that. The couches bring a smile on my face too!

( Image courtesy: http://adoholik.com)

A few days back, a blind person entered the train with this beautiful furry dog (guide-dog) just like Kaspar! The way he sat down with such an air of majesty and looked at me with his gorgeous eyes, my eyes welled up in tears. I surprised myself coz I grew up with a morbid fear of dogs and Kaspar has changed my attitude towards dogs. I look at them with the same affection with which I look at babies. Cats still creep me out and I miss Kaspar big time! I never thought I would feel this way...

Trente - 12 March 2010!

MY BIRTHDAY IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. I imagine that I am royalty on that day and feel extremely special and get all excited. This year, I am all excited but the enthusiasm is a tad less. According to my own stupid definition "Anyone who is 30 or in the 30's is officially uncle/aunty". I didn't think too much about the fact that I would get older and 'qualify' in a couple of years or so! So if you are reasonably smart, you will understand that I'm 30 this year! Officially, I am no longer amongst the '20-something's. Sigh!

Normally, I don't bother a lot about how old I am or get upset if someone wants to know how old I am! ( Wierd that I have answered that question numerous times, here in Paris!). But this year, I think I am a little sad that I have turned 30! Bloody hell, I often wonder how my mom would feel, she has a 30-year old daughter!!! Enough of the ranting now, I guess. For sure, my energy, enthusiasm or zest for life will not change one bit! I am still going to have a lot of fun, right? Right!

So if I think about what has changed, I would like to think they are mostly good changes; For example, I think I have a better dress sense and a general idea of what suits me better! On a different note, when S and I were looking at pictures on the laptop; he commented "Look, how many different hair styles you have had over the years? " That sent a silent thrill through me, I felt wild! :D

I have colored my hair twice and got another piercing in my ear, something that I'd wanted to do for many years but couldn't because my parents strictly refused. I know it probably sounds silly to you but for me it was kind of liberating to experiment with my looks without having to worry about what my parents will say or feel. In fact, even now, if I'm going home, I make sure not to color or cut my hair! Silly me!

I have an excessive amount of clothes/bags/shoes/jewellery (more than I like to admit!) ...and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to hear that! That's it - you will never ever hear me say that again!! :D. Sometimes, I can't even remember when I bought something and I feel terrible for being so greedy, but that thought vanishes within seconds of walking across any shopping area or even in the vicinity of where I can lay my eyes on something, even from a distance!!

I have travelled to so many beautiful countries and am hoping the journey continues, with my dear S, of course! I have a proper fitness routine and am much fitter and stronger than I used to be.Most importantly, I may be older but am definitely more mature and wiser! I would like to think I have toned down my emotional side a little bit. I don't believe in altering my entire personality, for sure! I am not there yet, but I think I am a better person than I used to be...I have an awesome partner, family and a close group of friends who are much loved and love me more!

I don't believe in going back in time like a lot of people often want to or often say 'those were the days...golden days' and all that! I enjoy every phase and I am very happy where I am. I strongly believe it is is important to enjoy every phase as-is! So if I am 30 now, enjoy being 30 to the fullest replete with all the excitement and vigor! To a large extent, I am very happy where I am. I did'nt even dream of the life I live now. I have a wonderful life and I earnestly thank God for it. Of course, like everyone else, I have a few regrets but they are events that I had no control over.

In retrospect, I think God meant for it to happen for my own good coz he made sure I got here. I believe in him and have faith in him. I am sure he will make my wish come true when its the right time. He knows what is best for me. (sounds cryptic, i know - but this is more of a self-note!)

Last year, I spent my birthday in Paris (wooooohoooo!) AND the entire evening at the Eiffel Tower! Tres Tres romantique! This year, S has rented an awesome houseboat ( check the awesome place here - http://www.luckypiper.com/eng/indexned.htm) for us and we are spending the entire weekend after in Amsterdam! It was supposed to be a surprise for me, except now that I have started working, he had to tell me so that I could inform people at work!! I hope Amsterdam makes me forget I am 30! I am sorry I can't stop whining! I will definitely post pictures of the magical Amsterdam here and here!

P.S - Turning 30 is not so bad at all!!! Coz I got DIAMONDS!!!! My darling S sure knows how to cheer me up ;-)

Emotional Makeover in Progress - Part II?

Further to this , I would like to think I am evolving as a person. I have begun to stop making spot-judgements about people. I have learnt over time that they are not like what they seem to be. If I met someone and assumed that they were rude and arrogant coz they did'nt smile much or talk much; I have always been proved wrong. They have become good friends who helped me out with kindness and smiled a lot more indeed; except they needed to know I can be trusted or warm up to me. I guess it took me some time to understand that people are cautious and take their time to know you or trust you completely. Unlike me - I trust every single person very quickly and Ouch! My blind trust has hurt me so many times that I can't even count. Lesson learnt. Be cautious and take your time to trust anyone. Do not make spot-judgements. PERIOD.

I have also learnt another important lesson. It takes a lot of dignity to remain silent and though it may seem ludicrous to be silent at that point, believe you me, there is indeed dignity in silence. As they say " Barking dogs seldom bite". For someone like me, who thinks its very important to express or say what you feel and to remain silent is blasphemy??!! BUT, sometimes, its better to remain silent than waste your time, effort and feelings retaliating! Tough - but its got to be done! Life's beautiful but people are'nt easy, you know? I don't mean to sound sexist or anything and I say this purely from personal experience that its easier to talk to men. It's not so stressful and you don't always have to be extra careful about what you say and how it can be interpreted. I do have a few awesome girlfriends; except it took me a few wrong people ( read friends) to get to them! You have to meet a few wrong men before you can appreciate "the right one" is true of friendships too!

Someone once told me that the best way to deal with any conflict within you or to control anger or disappointment is to look at yourself as a spectator and simply experience and accept any emotion you feel; be it anger, disappointment, joy or happiness. I remember flashing my trademark 'what-else-can-i-do smile and thinking to myself "Yeah right! That's easier said than done!"

In retrospect, as I type this post, I realize that's what I am doing. I am analyzing the changes in me over a period of time as if i would analyse a third person! It is also about acceptance and adjustments. I guess I am learning to be "street-smart"!

P.S - Do hop on to my photoblog, which is something my brother and I are working on jointly! Something we can both connect....your feedback is very much appreciated!

True to the title, random updates!

1. The most important update is that I have recently taken up a job and its a really interesting one at that. I have a strong feeling that I am going to get a lot of exposure as well as learn a lot! Of course, I am also very glad that its part-time coz I can continue to do the things I like to do and travel too!

2. I have begun to actually like my exercising routine. I try to make it interesting coz I alternate between yoga, body specifics, Jane Fonda's aerobics, Pilates and Bollywood fitness dancing ( yes, you read it right!)...I like the fact that I can just jump around without feeling conscious at home, with abandon! Its liberating! :-) I have different DVDs of all these and I work out at home everyday except weekends. Of course, the biggest motivation are the results - I can fit into clothes I hoped I could fit into someday!

3. I was watching Rajiv Gandhi's interview with Simi Garewal on Youtube and it made me really sad. Tears sprung in my eyes. I deeply and fervently wish he was alive and more than anything else, his family had got the opportunity to spend more time with him. What a charismatic, handsome and strong personality! He is THE man for me, who was a proud Indian!

4. I have begun to maintain a calender and schedule like my English friends here and I have to admit, if not for anything else, it makes me feel really important and it also made me realize that we have slowly begun to have a social life outside of just 'us'. :-)

5. I am loving the 'calm' within me and the happy thoughts I have! I am proud of myself coz I don't brood about the past anymore or think of anything that makes me feel low. Little things remind me that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel; like the plants I had given up on have suddenly started sprouting up now or even the 'daily horoscope' seem to match with the current updates in life. It may be a co-incidence too; but I take it as a sign!

6. I have started to learn to knit and its really exciting to create something all by yourself!

7. I am also learning Photoshop on the web and am contemplating starting a photo-blog ( what do you think?). I love photography and am a self-proclaimed photo-maniac. I love looking at photos; even of people I don't even know - they are such a great way to remember good times, smiles, friends, travels, happiness, beauty, nostalgia,memories.....enough said!

The most romantic song!

I think this is one of the most romantic songs ever made; their expressions say it all! I simply love this song, the video as well.



I don't have much to say today and sometimes, I believe you don't always have to say something, you know?!

I like the comfortable silence. Do you?

One thing at a time!

I suddenly realized that I am pretty hard on myself. Be it health, home, love,friends or a career, I want it all to happen all at once! Of course, like everyone else, I want to excel in everything....but I guess I also need to understand that everything takes time. Yes, it needs concentrated efforts but it takes time.

So I am just taking a deep breath, long deep breaths slowly and it dawns on me that all that I desired is slowly happening. I have been so busy concentrating on the things I want that I did not notice that it did happen! In fact, I also realized that I am always doing something for people to approve or validate all the time, that I don't enjoy the experience myself. I just move on from one thing to another without living it. I recently read somewhere that

"A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be..Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you."

Most importantly, empower yourself by having good friends who encourage you, cheer you on and with whom a phone conversation can be an instant 'pick me up'! Of course, its very important that you are that good friend too! It has made a huge difference to my personality, having good friends, I mean. I (hope) I have learnt to select my friends carefully and in a lot of ways, I feel I am developing some good qualities from them; they help me become a better person. I am thankful to God for all the wonderful people he brings into my life. I strongly believe that every person you meet in life, comes into your life for a reason - to teach you lessons, to love, to inspire, to share, even to teach you 'how-not-to-be'! Savour these experiences, they go deeper than you think...learn to be a better and confident person! :-) That's what I am doing...

Face your fear!

When I hear this often on T.V or in books or from someone, I always feel that they sort of bully you into doing something you are scared of. But if you are afraid of something and avoid it, unfortunately it does not go away, you know? So what do you do? FACE IT! I know its easier said than done. But if you think about it, its all in the mind like many other things in life. I realize you just need to deal with it. For all you know, it may not be so bad and you could be worrying about it unnecessarily. Its common sense, isn't it?

Where is all this enlightenment coming from? As part of a training program at work, I participated in a 'Personality Development' workshop and the gentleman who trained us mentioned that the first step towards doing anything is to write it down. So this is my first step towards facing my fear! Voila! :-).

I worry incessantly and I hate that about me. I was not always like this, but recently I worry too much and fear unnecessarily. I want to let go of fear. I will let go fear! I can let go fear! I am going to keep telling myself that and one day....whoooshh...its gone!

I will let go of my fear. NOW. TODAY. PERIOD.