Positive Developments....

I am not really a dog-lover….as a kid, I was petrified of dogs. I remember we used to visit my mom’s best friend. She loves dogs and has a German shepherd that looks like a wolf. At every occasion we would visit them, aunty would lock up ‘shyama’ inside a room as I would start crying uncontrollably when she starts barking. Even now I remember how I would clamp up the minute we would reach aunty’s house and my heartbeat would start beating faster. Infact, once we had gone to her place and I was wearing a pretty pavadai (long skirt worn by kids in south India) and by chance, before aunty could lock up shyama ( which was heart wrenching for her….dogs are like their own kids for dog lovers, I realize NOW!). ‘Shyama’ in her enthusiasm on seeing a small kid and thinking I have come to play with her….came running to me….I was shit scared that I started running around the house and in the process my pavadai was shredded and torn as ‘shyama’ thought it was a big game. Amma tells me that I cried uncontrollably for a long time and she was more upset about my torn pavadai and shyama looking forlorn and looking sadly at aunty with a ‘what have I done now!’ expression.

Cut to the present,
I was engaged to S and till I visited his place I did not know that my in-laws have not one, two German Shepherds (Kaspar and Cookie)!!!! I remember every time Kaspar and Cookie would bark the minute I got up…..so for the entire day I was glued to the sofa and did not get up even when I wanted to pee. Apparently, S did not enlighten me about the dogs, lest I refuse to marry him in fear (for the dogs!). I was thinking to myself, how the hell am I going to move around the house, forget moving around….live with two dogs?!!! Despite the fact that we lived alone due to proximity to work, we would often visit or live with my in-laws over the weekend and I didn’t have a choice, but get used to it. Slowly and steadily I got used to being around them….and could ignore Kaspar when he came and sniffed around and I would close my eyes tightly when he licked me all over. At that time, I did not understand that was his way of expressing his love….after all, he cant talk?!!! Dumb me!!

By the time we were married, Cookie had to be given away as she did not really get along with Kasper and it was a big strain to take care of two dogs for my in-laws. I got used to Kasper and would still clamp up when I reached the doorstep and would wait for him to literally pounce on me and lick me all over for at least 5 minutes. He liked me so much that he would wait outside the bathroom when I was inside….and my MIL would complain that she is the one who feeds, cleans and takes care of him and I am the one who reaps the benefit!!!

Kasper died a few months ago and I realize that I do love him a lot and miss him. Every time I see a German shepherd, I am fondly reminded of my dear Kasper. I still remember when he would look at me, I could feel him emoting true feelings…like a true person!!! When he died I was alone in Pune with S traveling abroad and could not get over the fact that he is no more. For my in-laws, S and Shashi (S’s sister) he is like a kid and a sibling respectively. S was understandably very upset when he heard about Kasper and was unfortunately abroad at that time. Infact, he has written his first post about Kasper…

It is indeed a huge development from what I felt for dogs as a kid. My parents and aunty especially are so surprised about this development in me…..

Kasper, you are missed by all of us and most importantly, loved by all of us…to the extent that he is called Kasper Venkatraman!!!!

Relatively speaking....

As a school-going kid, I would look at my seniors longingly who had the privilege of wearing 'duppattas' and who could have long, well-manicured painted nails. I could'nt wait to grow up and wear colourful duppattas, paint my nails in different colours.....and wear lipsticks! How can I forget lipstick? I would think how lucky they were.....and I was so miserable that I am still a kid....Infact, when Amma would take me for a wedding, I would rant and rave that she should apply lipstick for me as well and refuse to eat at the wedding, lest the colour wears off!!!

Cut to the present, I postpone doing my nails and among everything else, promise myself that I will do it next weekend, for sure! That too, after I feel embarassed at my chipped nail paint and feel dirty at work!

As for duppattas, I hate to wear them as you have to go on adjusting them all day long....can be a pain when I am on the bike, with hundred things to carry....and to add a duppatta to it? So, I will always stitch stuff like a kurta with a chinese collar, so that I can just wear them with pants....no hassles!!!

Lipstick? The glamour still attracts me! :) ...and funnily, lots of people gift them to me in different colours....

Ok! I am off to do my nails....S is busy with his formula one and I have nothing to do....so I might as well get it done!!

I am a living example for 'appearances are deceptive' coz most people who look at me will think that I am a super confident ( arrogant as well?!) person and can speak my mind easily....well, to a certain extent I do and I am....but I do have my moments....

1. If my maid is doing a bad job(..and am being moderate here!) and i want to sack her? I will think about it a 100 times and rehearse how i would tell her, with S!! I will empathise with her situation and visualise what she will go through when I say this to her on a monday....maybe I should try and see if it works for some more time....REALLY....I do that! BTW, my maid still works for me....and I do the work MYSELF....

2. I find it extremely difficult to ask a friend to return the money they borrowed from me. Again, the rehearsing ritual goes on in my mind, over and over.....I am thinking what my friend will think about me... if I ask him/her MY money! yeah right! well, what to do? we are like this wonly!!

3. I am very generous with compliments with people...coz I know how lovely it feels to recieve compliments from ANYONE! But I will not just think twice, but ten times before I compliment a male colleague....coz I am perennially in danger of sending the wrong signals...who knows how someone interprets your words or actions!

4. The most comical situation is in a lift...if you have noticed most people will look down, close their eyes or look anywhere but at the other occupants in the lift...as for me? I am my giggly self ( I have no clue why I find it funny!) and smile at kids and chat with them, if they are women, definitely start a conversation and make friends....men? I prefer to ignore....by far I might smile and say a hi if I know them already!! ( for the same reasons!!)

5. If i go to a shop and look at clothes, I am shit scared to leave without buying something....No! not that I really liked something and i want to buy it....only coz the owner /attendant/ shop assistant spent so much time showing me the clothes and might be scolding me in his/her mind.....yeah! I am such a sucker!! Fear-stricken, I wont enter a shop if I dont know for sure am gonna pick something.....

I know all my fears are baseless and I simply have to just go ahead and say it or do it....but I can't...I find it DIFFICULT! Does anyone else have such quirky habits or uncertainities??

Life is extremely unpredictable....

My mom called me today to inform me that Hari passed away....I was shell shocked...he is a 23 yr old boy!! He was studying in London, and noone knew about his whereabouts...he had been dead in his room for 2 days!!! I still can't get over it.... his parents are close family friends and a close friend of my dad...and I remember going to their house as a kid....and Hari was this intellectual book-worm who would quietly read loads of books most of the times! I used to go for long walks with aunty, his mom!!! I can't imagine I am referring to him in the past!!

My heart goes out to him and aunty....what about his dreams? what was going through his mind at that point? Life is so unpredictable and so unfair....how will aunty cope with this?? ya ya...time is a good healer and stuff....well, I cant' express my feelings right now...I pray to God that he gives them the strength to bear this loss..and Hari, may your soul rest in peace...take care!

Every new beginning is accompanied by renewed vigor and excitement...I am excited.. :) I have got a job i have always wanted in a great company and feel really happy about it as well. Indeed, when God closes a window, another door opens....and I am confident that good things are in store for me! :) THANK YOU GOD for everything you have blessed me with...I am sure I deserve it!( he he...now you know for sure that its me! ) ;)

There is no looking back now.....

I have been Tagged! :)

I was tagged by Raaga. So here it is... 8 random facts about myself, will get as random as i can get! :)

1. I love the smell of babies.

2. I get all excited, get super crazy and make a fool of myself when I am really happy. Endearments from anyone ( of course, friends and people I know) makes me ecstatic, even if they don't mean it and say it.

3. I am not self-conscious in any sense and have narcissistic tendencies;)

4. My greatest strength - my family ( amma, appa and anna!) and of course, my darling husband! - Love all of them with all my heart ( I guess this is no big secret!)

5. I hate it when kids call their parents 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' instead of Amma and Appa.

6. I find fair guys effeminate and female chauvinism( if there is such a term!) exists...

7. I appear arrogant to a lot of people, and some of them are hesitant to talk to me the first time! I am very open and friendly, in reality....appearances can be deceptive!

8. I feel it is very important to know your native language, apart from english! I detest the habit of a few parents who do not encourage their kids to learn or speak their native language.

Now that I am done with it, its your turn!
Ritu - vivifies indeed
Vibuti - eternally in love!
Deepa - Interesting perspective!
Boo - A parent's selfless love!
Revathi - Profound thoughts
Satyajit - The love of my life!
Preethi - Writer's delight!
Chandrasekar - Big brother, I found you!

You have to play by the rules!

• Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
  
• People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
  
• At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
  
• If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will not reach Third Series or attain your most precious goals for at least two more lifetimes....nah! Just dont be a spoilsport!~

I was watching 'kaadal rojave' from the movie 'Roja' on T.V....and like how you see in movies.....FLASHBACK! :) I was reminded of my college days, how crazy I was over drop-dead gorgeous arvindswamy! I had a HUGE crush on him, the word 'crush' sounds so innocuous as compared to what I felt about him. Like many other girls, i was head over heels in love with him, or so i thought!

I would get up in the morning all bright-eyed and my folks would instantly know what i had dreamt about....I would have dreamt that i was married to arvindswamy! :D..and I would really be upbeat and chirpy all morning....with a dreamy smile on my face.....when he got married, i was so heart broken and cursed myself for not being older...yeah right!! I hated his wife even before I knew her....he would be my knight in shining armour who would rescue me from being sad or upset when I got scolded by my parents or if I had a bad day!!!.....

cut to the present.....I am married, not to arvindswamy, but someone much much better....who definitely brings a smile on my face!!! :) God bless....he has his own ways of showering his blessings on us, does'nt he?

Its a beautiful day....am enjoying working as well as looking out my window.....its inexplicably calming...Dark clouds, mann vaasanai, pleasant and cool air....life could'nt get any better :). when S gets back home, and we give each other a big bear hug, the smile on our faces.....and to see each other after a long day.....its lovely!! I can't thank god enough for S! I treasure him with all my heart. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love takes its time to grow and become stronger....

I have this annoying habit of thinking of something sad that happened in the past, when am really happy. ..as if i want to spoil my happiness - MYSELF! I don't let go easily. Today, right this moment, I give up that habit! I have always felt contented and blessed with all the lovely people and wonderful life I have....at this moment, I feel contentment.

Nowadays I have noticed that I enjoy my solitude. I don't mean to say I dont like to talk to people or to have people around me. Sometimes, it helps to be with yourself. It helps you clear your head and enjoy the moment....I shy away from making small talk with neighbours or friends when i walk down....I find it tiring to answer routine daily questions.... am I wierd?

Its a beautiful day!!! :) God, I feel like I can see you smiling down at me... and I smile back :) are you charmed? well, GOD, you have definitely charmed me with your blessings and love.

June 11th was my anniversary (4th already, time flies when you are having fun ;) )and as always, S and I went on a trip ( we had decided that we would take 2 breaks every year, and touchwood so far have been able to stick to it - one on our anniversary and one during december - year end) . This time, we went to Matheran, was an interesting experience...before I digress...let me come to the point before I forget it.

We travelled by the Mumbai - Pune Expressway ( its my first time!) and my god! I was amazed at the fantastic roads ....vennai madiri irundudu ( i.e...the roads were like butter.....sooo smooth)....I was pleasantly surprised...S and I were discussing how wonderful it would be if all the roads in India could be so well-maintained. So it shows that we are capable of it, except that we dont really bother to maintain all our roads like the Expressway.....Instead of gaping at the clean roads abroad, if we took little effort to remain clean and maintain civic sense....people would throng to India for other reasons than just Goa, Spices and snake charmers!!!! ( I know am exaggerating here, but there are still people who think that way!)

Coming to Matheran, its common knowledge that no vehicles are allowed inside as they would like to keep the place pollution-free. After a point, you have to walk up or take the toy train and enjoy the breathtaking moutains and its beautiful. They do not allow plastic bags so as not to pollute the environment. Despite clear instructions everywhere, there are people who throw plastic bags on the roads....it is really frustrating and sad to see such uncultured behaviour. I had written a post about patriotism and how India is a beautiful country. Now I feel like taking back my words.....I want to ask them, dont you feel proud when someone comes home and says you have a beautiful home? Don't you feel the same way about your country??

I am currently in a state of morbid fear about what is gonna happen...like there is a time bomb and I have to save myself or something! I feign indifference when friends or loved ones ask me what the problem is...but heart of hearts, I hate to admit that I am forever worried!

Nowadays, I have the most wierd dreams and I get up in the wrong side of the bed on most mornings! Life itself is wierd sometimes....am sorry about this woeful post but i need a vent...and am not comfortable talking about it to anyone either. Wish I had a magic wand or something, and I could brush away all the unwanted thoughts and things in my life. I guess that's why I like these 'ugly duckling turns swan' and 'rags to riches' movies.

I have my good moments too....i guess that is what keeps me going... it could be a thoughtful gesture from S or a long chat with amma or a kind word from a friend...or even to see the plants flowering in my teeny weeny garden! :) Life is one big puzzle...who knows what happiness lies hidden somewhere??!! I just need the patience, intelligence and positivity to wait for it to unravel itself....

2 U 2, my turn! ( 2006)

My world comes crashing down
But I see a small flicker of light
I take a peak into it
And I see you….

I am bursting with happiness
Overflowing laughter and fun
I look here, there and everywhere
To share, and I see you….

I am confused and kinda dazed
My world comes to a blur
Life seems meaningless
Until I see you….

The heart wants to be filled with love
Longs to be held in a loving embrace
Looks for a shoulder to cry
Until you see me….

For S and S only!!! :) Well, atleast I tried... and most importantly, he LOVED it! coming from someone who cant write poetry for nuts, he appreciated it...and that's all matters!! isnt it??

S wrote this for me....on my birthday in 2004!

If I tell you the truth,
Will you leave me alone?
Leave me alone watching the rain,
Thinking of all those precious moments.

If I tell you the truth
Will you still look at me?
Still look at me with
Those cucumber cool eyes.

If I tell you the truth
Will you frown?
Frown at me or
Show me those gorgeous dimples in a smile.

If I tell you the truth
Will you hold it against me?
Hold it against me,
Instead of holding me in your arms.

If I tell you the truth
Will you not give me another chance?
Not give me another chance or
Stay with me forever.

If I tell you the truth
Will you detest me?
Detest me deeply or
Still love me for it.

If I tell you the truth
Will it be asking for too much?
Asking for too much or
Just for all I want.

I’m telling you the truth …
I love you.

For J


I was thrilled to bits and absolutely on cloud nine for a long time......noone has ever written a poem about me..... :)....saving it for posterity...to show my kids how romantic and loving their DAD is! :D

I was sitting in the balcony reading a book, and generally looking at the kids playing down in the playarea. I stay in a big complex with lots of free space, parks and children's play area...

The kids of the labourers who work in the new construction block were playing in the swing and having good fun in the park....one of the kids was in tattered and dowdy clothes...she herself would be about 9 yrs...and she was taking care of a little toddler...the little baby was left on the grass, god knows....what insects were around...I thought....if it was a baby from our families, s/he would be pampered and cared for, with what not...diapers, clean clothes, wet wipes, baby cream, baby lotion, moisturiser...this and that! While, this baby was just left there while her sisters played in abandon...while their mother was away pruning the flowers and removing the weeds from the gardens...I felt sad at how unfair it was!

To add to it, the security was chasing away those kids from the play area and I thought to myself, how unfair this world is! Does the fact that those children were born to labourers deny those kids the simple pleasure of being kids? And just then, I realised those kids WERE having fun.... they kept playing 'running and catching' with the security guard and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.....I smiled! :) Indeed, those kids were in old and torn clothes.... but their smiles were genuine and despite what i thought they were having fun!! I felt good...

Raining happiness...

The monsoon has started in Pune, and today the first rains started....Is there anyone who doesnt like rain?? Oh! the minute I smell rain (mann-vaasanai), it makes me so cheerful and happy, a kind of serenity, i cant explain enough how awesome I feel...I definitely love to or dream of enjoying the rain maybe with a loved one, cozy in the comforts of their home, with a good book, masala chai, add some bajji or pakoda to it!....ahh! heavenly!!! :)

During schooldays, I would get up all upset that its a monday morning, which means go to school...and it would rain....yippeeee.....bunk school!!!!! Inexplicable joy!! :D Then, when I grew up, I was not too happy about staying home and confined indoors on account of rain....when I was committed, I longed to spend time with S in the rain....even now, all I can think of , is to go home and sit together in our balcony, sip tea and chat! ( we could do that everyday or already do it everday, but the magic of rain brings such silly yet simple wants...romance!!)

Right now, am happy that I can listen to some good music ( am listening to Meharam...by Meenal Jain, mesmerising!!), blogging while am supposed to do some research and content! :D Tomorrow morning, I can wake up to rain and S will be there with me, enjoying it with me!! :) GOD BLESS....

Power of positive thinking!!

I read an interesting article about 'Positive thinking and Optimism' on TOI - sunday issue. I was mighty impressed with what miracles occur when you have happy thoughts and surround yourself with positive people. I was further convinced, when I heard Ritu give an account of her pregnancy. Apparently, when she was pregnant with her first baby, the baby was positioned in a reverse position, with legs going down, that leads to a 'breach baby' and can end up being a ceasarean.

She used to practice yoga regularly throughout her pregnancy and was clearly disappointed to hear that . So she told her guru that the doctor said that it could be complicated. Her guru asked her to continue with her yoga( doing sarvangasana) for another 15 days and guaranteed a normal delivery. Lo and behold! the baby changed its position and she had a normal delivery!!!! Wow!! I was amazed to hear that....its wonderful that she believed in her guru and did not deter or get disappointed.

I have decided to consciously think of happy events, surround myself with positive people and who knows, I might develop a halo! :D

Its a thin line...

Despite our claims to remain united and pluming patriotism, there is most definitely a clear divide between North-South India! There....I have said it!!

I am sick and tired of rude comments, ridicule in the name of humour and disgusted with a certain section of people who belong to both regions, that I have come across in life so far....I hate this crap! I am very proud of being a Tamilian, and yes, I am an iyer who speaks tamil with a typical dialect common to Bramhins..that's the way I speak...take it or leave it!!

When I moved to Bangalore and now in Pune, I hear some extremely tactless comments, mostly and sadly only from North Indians....
" My god! Are you a tamilian? You are not dark?"
"You are from madras, but you are so well-dressed(??) and modern??"
" You dont look like a tamilian at all, you look like a punjabi or gujju or nothing remotely south indian??"

What makes you think, all tamilians are dark...and if at all, some of them are dark, its coz we all scorch in the sun and the weather is extremely hot and all our skins are tanned. Just coz, I am not rude and for one, have consideration for other's feelings, unlike you...doesnt mean you can get away with anything ( No, I am not overreacting, I have got this too many times....I am not amused!) Do I ask you how do you look so ugly?? ( what the hell...)

As for being well-dressed, in which world are you? Have you been to chennai recently? There are a huge number of well-dressed people and as modern as it can get! Anyways, every individual dresses according to his/her comfort, personality and convenience. It has nothing to do with where you live!!! Yes, to a large extent, our surroundings and upbringing do determine the way we dress up. And by the way, " Modern" dressing does'nt necessarily mean well-dressed.

Yes, where we come from and the surroundings we grow up in does determine our attitudes, personality and knowledge. In today's day and age, with no boundaries in terms of geography, the advent of internet and numerous sources of information, everybody in every nook and corner of India is well versed with the worldy affairs as well as the latest fashions...Inspite of YOUR ignorance, people down south have a nice blend between modern as well as traditional attire...and we are proud of it. We strike a balance!!

NO! This is not a post about how great south Indians are...This is to vent my anger and frustration against Indians ( Yes, Indians) who think they can get away with whatever they say, in the name of humour!!! The best example is LOLA KUTTY on MTV, or heroines in madisaar ( 9-yard saree worn by bramhins) and the sad jokes on malayali accent and any kind of ridicule on certain sections of the country. Down south, the movies portray gujaratis as fat women cooking and eating all the time or sidey-looking money lenders which is equally unacceptable and in bad taste.

Repeat jokes or comments ridiculing people can be taken easily the first time, after a point, it gets to the point of being hurtful, immature and downright silly. GROW UP!!!!

P.S - I have nothing against north indians...this is a personal account of my experiences and anguish...being a south indian, I know one side of the story....no offence meant!! )

S got the major leap......YIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....I am sooooooooooooooo happy for him!!!! Can't stop grinning....

Emotional Makeover!

From being someone very impulsive and unrestrained, I have become someone who is very cautious and circumspect...so if you know me personally quite well, you would know that's a huge transformation. I am someone who does not refrain from expressing my emotions, excitement or opinions. Most of the times, it has not helped me. Its a cultivated habit, and I really have to try hard to control myself. But I DO IT.

S is going get a major leap in his career ( hopefully, my fingers are crossed!!)....and I am always the one more excited....whether its HIS birthday, HIS new job, HIS promotion, HIS awards and accolades or anything related to him. I am also the one who gets more worried about any problem he faces...I am always accused by my loved ones of worrying about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING...and I would always say, that's the way I am!! But who am I fooling? If it affects me, I should do something about it, even if it requires a lot of effort....at some point, you have to draw the line...

I would worry all day if a friend didnt act normal with me or would not talk to me...I think I still do...but consciously I am trying to ignore it. I try not to let it bother me. That way, I am blessed...in the sense, that I can be really happy with lots of people around or I can also be happy by myself...I know its wierd...but I really can....I need to apply my mind to it and attune myself to being optimistic...anything is possible. Of course, all of us have our happy sunny days and there are days when you feel low, not for any particular reason...

I am like a pendulum, I fluctuate between being happy and sad within few hours...I ALWAYS smile....but only a few close ones can really see beyond that...I get bored easily as well, am a very restless person, my attention-span is really low! All this is changing....definitely for the better!!!

I have finally understood how much it helps not to open your mouth where it is not required and do the one thing I do best....SMILE!!! :)

Evry new day dawns....with new surprises...sometimes they are shocks that jolt you back to stark reality!

On the way to work today, I saw an uncle on the pillion - holding on to dear life, sitting awkwardly in an uncomfortable position and holding on to all the bars on the bike...It was so familiar, that's exactly how my Appa used to be in chennai ( my bachelorette days), when he rode wiith me on the bike.. :)