Appa in Paris!

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)

I will be honest and admit that I understood how lucky or blessed i am, ONLY when I moved away from my parents. 

 

When i got married, we moved cities and then countries. While Paris sounds glamorous, when you live far away from home - it is HARD, I have been married for almost 18 years now, which means I have also spent a large part of my adult life away from Amma and Appa. 

Having said that, I have spoken to them every single day. I call them EVERYDAY, until I share every liitle or big detail, good or bad news, professional or personal update, just about everything I share - my day is not complete. First person to hear every update is S ( he is physically present too), I relate my entire day verbatim when I see him. Since my folks are not physically here with me, I call them and still do the detailed download. :)

Normally, I talk to Amma about the inane details too, Appa is reserved for more serious, important updates and it is not very long. Appa is a very no-nonsense kind of person, he will speak to-the-point and put the phone down, in fact, many times even while you are still on. I would always laughingly tell him to say bye or something so I know that the conversation is over. 

In the year 2012, I distinctly remember, for a couple of days I could not reach them for a couple of days, I got a bit worried. Then, Anna informed S and I that Appa is having a small "procedure" and may not be reachable for some time as they will be in and out of hosptials. My memory is hazy now but he kept saying something to keep it "normal" for me. Even then, I remember praying fervently that the "procedure" goes well and they get to see my baby, I had no clue. I was pregnant with Baby Girl and it has been a tumultuous journey of loss until then. 

Naturally, they did'nt want to disturb my peace of mind or create stress especially since I lived far away. Later, much later, AFTER Baby Girl arrived safely, Anna told me that Appa went through Angioplasty and Amma had open heart surgery. Anna was secretly discussing with S to keep the secret. S would often tell me later, that your brother was so worried only abour you. He would always ask "what do we tell baby?" ( I am indeed the baby of the house, so everyone refers to me as "baby"). 

 In hindsight, it all worked out well but they had a rebirth, both of them admitted in hospitals on the same day...I'd rather not dwell on the details.

They willed their recovery and came down to Paris for my delivery, looking very frail but ecstatic and happy. I remember Amma tearing up, when she saw me with a 9-month belly at the airport,I will never forget the look on her face - pure joy! 

Appa and Amma arrived about a week before my due date, and I had strict dietary restrictions and I was only allowed to eat fruits with no restrictions. I went through a phase of papaya, apples and finally reached watermelons by the final trimester. S was juggling many things, (it's a new country and Appa and Amma had never been abroad before this). He promised that he would pick it up for me after work and left for the day. 

By evening, I was pleasantly surprised to see Appa walk home with watermelons!!! When I asked him, how he managed to buy it (as everybody speaks french. It's not easy to shop there). He said " Oh! I picked up the watermelons, went to the cashier, looked at the screen and paid the bill - did'nt need to say anything"! 

I was very emotional, vulnerable and in absolute panic ( about my delivery) - but a bite of that juicy watermelon filled my heart with joy. Frankly, I did'nt think he would venture out alone, let alone buy watermelons. I know he did it coz he loved me.

I was very, very scared that everything should go well and Baby Girl should arrive safe and sound. I would look at my ever-growing belly and freak out. S is definitely zen and calming, but its his first time too. Appa and Amma, despite all odds being there, really helped, reassured me and their constant words were " all is well...all is well". I remember calling them, after delivering Baby Girl, within half hour to inform that everything went well and she has arrived. Appa and Amma could not believe that I was talking to them almost instantly. Their voices were filled with absolute delight. How lucky am i, right?. 

When we came home with the baby, he came down to receive us, I was so touched coz they were "home" for me in every way. Appa and Amma did everything they could, to make it as smooth as possible for me. Unexpectedly, their visa was issued for a very short time, so they had to go back after 17 days or so. They initially planned to stay for a couple of months to help me with the baby. We tried our level best to extend the visa, but to no avail.

Every single day, for those 17 days, I would wake up to Appa and Amma, patietly peeling small onions or sambar vengayam. It is fried in ghee and fed to new mothers to heal the stomach. I can never look at small onions without thinking of Appa, among a million other things. 

Appa is not a very enthusiastic traveller but he came to Paris only for me. The other day, I was looking for some pictures of him to send to Anna, and I saw a picture of Appa and I, on the Seine Cruise...it made me smile :)

We lived in the centre of  Paris, with an amazing view of the Eiffel Tower from my living room,kitchen... every part of the house ...We would all walk together in the evenings to Champ De Mars, it's a picture taken casually on one such evening. I have lovely memories, of being a new mother, sharing the joy with Amma and Appa, will hold that moment close to my heart for eternity.

Always there for me...ALWAYS!

 Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

I am absolutely baffled at how a loving, breathing person who's always been there, who has been a constant presence in my life since I was born, always there when I need just about anything and everything... Poof! disappears! ....He is only in my memories. When I close my eyes and try to visualize Appa, if its not as clear in my head as it is in my heart, I am in panic!!! How is that possible? Sometimes, I can't help wonder if he will come outside from his room, when i visit Madras ( when it is possible to travel, of course!). Possibly all this may seem like a bad dream...Alas...anyway, let me refocus on all the happy memories of Appa that I began to share...

I remember this long conversation with Appa on the beach about what sort of guy I prefer or would like to marry.( i grew up living very close to the beach, lucky me!). I also told him I want to work for a couple of years at least before I get married. He agreed and said it takes time to find the right guy and family. 

If my memory serves right, there was a prospective guy who was a professional classical musician, I think."I don't want to marry a musician, I will end up sitting behind him playing the tampura" - I said. I definitely did'nt want to marry a doctor either. I felt he would only discuss about surgeries, illnesses and such depressing topics. Appa laughed at my naivety; he explained its not that simple. Finally, all I said was that the guy should be very tall. ( I am tall for an indian woman). At that time, I had no idea and didn't really give it a serious thought. I always say I grew up only after I got married while S was all grown up already! :P

By current standards, I got married pretty early. I met S when I was 22 and was a married woman by 23! My parents introduced me to S and boy! am i glad they did? (Prima facie, before he met him, Appa was hesitant; he felt a C.A ( Chartered Accountant) would be very boring for his efferverscent daughter while Amma was glad he was really tall and well-built for her broad-shouldered, tall daughter) and we met eventually. After he got to know him and thanks to his amazing intuition and divine intervention ( for sure!), Appa was very confident that he would be the perfect match for me. S is the first guy and only guy I ever met! (It feels like a different lifetime altogether now!).

I would like to keep a few things personal but without delving too much into detail, I can safely, confidently and (am very blessed) to say he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I owe it all to my parents, both Appa and Amma (and S's parents)! They truly love him as his own son and the love and affection is mutual. Touchwood. I doubt that I could have chosen a more perfect life partner than S, even if I had chosen someone myself! He is a lot more than just being very tall :-). I will leave it at that. I remember constantly thanking Appa and Amma for bringing S into my life.

I vividly remember being a newly-married girl and calling my folks and bawling over the phone, when i got back from work that " I am so hungry, there's nothing to eat!!!" LOL.. Depending on who picks up the phone, they would calmly ask me to drink a glass of milk or ask me to be more prepared before I leave for work. Being married and doing everything on your own suddenly, is not easy on you or the guy. Of course, over time both of us learnt to build our life together - organizing groceries, commute, home, travel, families - it is always work in progress even now.

In 2006 - 2007, when we moved to Pune, I worked for a Telecommunications company and as I walked back home or would wait for S to pick me up, sometimes, I used to have long chats with Amma/Appa. For one of Appa's birthdays, I wrote him a long, heartfelt letter. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he had kept the letter very safely even after many years. He said, " It's a lovely letter, well articulated and I can see you have understood every member of our family well.You are so good at expressing your feelings." 

I am so glad I wrote him that letter, expressing all my happiness, good feelings and gratitude I truly felt. It's a big deal for me coz Appa is not too expressive and appears very detached. But he loves each one of us in his own way. People who know him understand that and cherish him anyway.

My parents were very protective of me; Appa or Anna ( I used to call him Anna as a kid) would always pick up/drop me to classes. Due to a lot of eve-teasing in buses, he got me a Kinetic Honda when I began working. But if i was not home by the usual time I did, within 5 minutues - he would be in the balcony waiting. In the next 10 minutes, the gate...mind you, these were times when there were no mobile phones. I would always call and inform if i was going to be late. They were always on guard. 

Whenever I asked them something, to move somewhere to study, work in a different city, even to cut my hair - their constant reply was " Get married, and then do whatever you want"!!! I was exasperated with that answer. 

I remember my friends, especially boys being terrified of coming home coz they were afraid of Appa. He appeared strict but was quite friendly once you get to know him. I would literally drag people home. Some of my friends and my brother's are pretty close to Appa, they chat with him over the phone independantly as well - there are times he is more in touch with my friends than we are!

This is a funny incident I relate to everyone. S and I, were engaged (for almost a year) before we got married. We were in different cities, we would chat online after dinner. This was at a time when you dial with the modem to connect to the internet and your phone line is busy at the same time. Our computer-modem setup was in the guest room which is outside the main home, it is an extension but within the same premises. You can easily see that I am in the room if you are in the living room. 

So almost every day or maybe alternate days, I would logon to a video chat with S, in the guest room after dinner. Appa would religiously wait in the living room until I finish chatting. He was scared that it was late in the night and it would be unsafe to leave me alone, when I was indoors in the same house!!! He would be dozing off, sitting right there!!! When I asked him why he troubles himself so much when he can sleep, he would say what if someone takes you away when noone is there, so I want to be here for you. You talk as much as you want - I will be right here for you. Appa, you were always there for me and I still feel like you are always here for me.

I get all that my parents did for me much more when I became a parent. They are so giving, selfless and their all-encompassing love is more evident now when i have a child. 

Appa's Mantra- "No one has ever become poor by giving"

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

 "When Appa didn't have my hand, he had my back..."

I know life moves on and everybody moves on eventually, but I am still here, I want to be here , to be honest...reminscing my past, through my college days now! I am trying to hold on to my precious memories that stood out for me, with Appa. 

Here's a story I wrote for the "Chicken Soup for the Indian Teenage Soul", in 2009! I got published in a book, thanks to a real-life account that illustrates what an amazing parent Appa was...I am pasting the story here for your reference.

Appa's Birthday Month!

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

September 18th is Appa's birthday, he would have been 81 this year. I thought it would be befitting for my one and only brother ( elder) to write a post about Appa this month. He is blessed and lucky to have spent most of his adult life with both Appa and Amma. I really envy him for that alone! :-)

A little piece of me…Baby Girl is 8 years old today!

This year, S alias Baby Girl's Appa does the honour of writing to her....on her birthday!

…cramming the gaps between rare moments of silence (when she is out playing) are conversations with 8-year old Baby Girl, candid beyond imagination and, in this past year, turbo-charged by experiential learning of:

•      riots, protests, and tear gas thanks to the pro-democracy movement in Hong Kong
•      face masks, disinfectant, and hand sanitiser thanks to the frightful pandemic
• ·    zoom, Alexa, google suite and peerless tech skills thanks to virtual schooling.

..and the questions she asks often leave us tongue-tied and Baby Girl solemnly advising "Just google it, Appa!"

Baby Girl’s 8^th year unleashed a potent combination of creativity, intelligence (full credit to genes from me) and a wild/ weird streak, no idea where that came from 😉. I love the resulting pretty and colourful artwork, innovative DIY homes for her “pets” and clever lego creations (picture water slides from the resident’s top-floor bedroom straight to her swimming pool). she even makes us cards for every occasion with special “emojis” and customised with our favourite colours…

the dainty package that we “handled with care” has grown into a 8-year old bundle of energy. she has now earned the freedom to venture out by herself in the immediate neighbourhood. an unexpected by-product of this are the multitude of cuts and bruises bumping into things, falling over, scraping through bushes and the like. she takes this sportingly and never fusses over her injuries, casually pointing out each mark/ scar and recalling how she got it…

her discerning diet of milk and mildness has slowly morphed into a diversified appetite embracing variety – from the ageless Tambram staple of Thayir Saadam + Urulaikazhangu roast (curd rice and potato roast, a family favourite which J and I also list in our top 3 favourite foods) to Garlic Naan + Paneer sabzi but remains faithful to the customary Generation Alpha favourite – Pizza!

we only managed a single holiday trip in the last year but Baby Girl loved KL and Langkawi. she said she would have preferred to fly in a “sleeping plane” (business class) but graciously accepted to fly with us in Economy! she was thrilled with our visit to the bird park but was quite concerned that the birds had to stay within the nets and could not fly free as God made them. most of our days in Langkawi were spent in Baby Girl’s favourite places – in the pool or on the beach but Baby Girl had the incredible experience of holding a huge snake in her hands during the resort’s animal interaction event. J and I were incredibly proud (and a bit amazed) that she was so fearless and actually smiling and enjoying herself…

the last year has been a landmark year for all the wrong reasons, particularly in Hong Kong but this has been a blessing in disguise for us. J and I have been at home much more than usual: extensively working from home during the pro-democracy protests and almost exclusively in 2020. with Baby Girl’s school adopting “home learning”, we’ve spent time in semi-isolation in each other’s company – hours, days, months working/schooling from home…so every day is Friday!

God bless you Baby Girl…we look forward to more crazy stories, squabbling over Dobble games and heated debates over who loves whom more, among the 3 of us!

Lots of love and blessings, 

Appa and Amma

Your memory is all I have...

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows" 

they say time heals grief, loss...I'd personally say, with time, I have learnt to acknowledge the fact but accepting and moving on is a gradual process...I am working on it. 

When I listen to good music, I think of him...

When I have good food or something he would love, I think of him...

When I am praying or listening to devotional songs, I think of him...Appa always was very spiritual, so automatically my mind goes on default mode to Appa

Hell, funny thing is....I was watching a movie with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson in it and tears streamed down my face...interestingly, Appa is a big fan of WWF, which is such a contrast to his personality!

I remember how he would check the WWF schedule in the paper, finish all his work, pooja, ahead of time...and tell us all that he is reserving the T.V, for a certain period of time! LOL...we used to smile inwardly at his child-like enthusiasm and excitement as he cheered for his favorite wrestling star! 

I have a big, beautiful picture of Appa and Amma, deliriously happy, holding my baby girl. I can vividly remember that day too. Initially, I would look everywhere but at that picture, it was hard for me. With time, my viewpoint is different. I look at his picture and its almost life-like, I feel like he is right there smiling at me...on some day, i feel reassured and on some others, i feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I am saying like it is.

What I have begun to love about writing this series about Appa, apart from jogging my memory to acknowledge, appreciate and share about my amazing father - is the sheer happiness and emotion with which Amma calls me and discusses it. I am so happy that I can make Amma feel happy in some way, even if remotely.

I am not sure about kids world over but every Indian kid will relate to this. I was writing my Xth Board exams and I was a studious child who worried about my scores like my whole life depended on it (how silly I was!)...Amma and Appa never really cared, it was never a big deal in my household. i mean, they insisted that we do our best academically, but there was no pressure. They pressured us more on being better persons by nature and, for me, Carnatic music!! 

My cousin was getting married and I was in the wedding hall locked inside the room fervently studying for my social studies exam. All my other cousins were together and having fun. My heart was totally with them but in my mind, I felt I had to study, so I stayed indoors. Appa saw my dilemma and told me to enjoy myself with all my cousins. He said he would coach me later so I will be ready for the exams! I readily agreed at once, had my share of fun. 

I absolutely panicked a couple of days before the exam. I remember waking Appa at 3 AM and crying that i was going to fail the exam. He smiled and assured me that I would do just fine and we would begin prepping at dawn! At the crack of dawn, we began studying together. He painstakingly went through all my study material - history, geography and civics (Appa studied Chemistry, he helped me understand equations too really well). He coached me for two days in all three disciplines, helped me focus on what's important and what's not...I fared really well in the exam, all thanks to Appa!

I also vividly remember sitting with Appa after every exam, calculating how much I would score! I would always come up with a higher number while Appa would give a realistic score and the final result would be somewhere in-between! He insisted that I had to take maths, no matter what, in my XI and XII. While I grudingly agreed only coz I had no choice, when I moved to college - maths, statistics and analytics were a breeze! I never admitted to him that he was right! 

When it was time to choose in what discipline I wanted to graduate in, I told him I wanted to do Law. He knew everything and he said just because your close friend A (ahem!) is doing law, you can't move cities to pursue law, no way! :) 

I realize that these incidents really stand out in my memory because he came through when I needed him most, like he told me through his actions: "you can count on me, no matter what!". 

If I appear confident to most people, I owe it to my Appa and Amma for instilling that confidence in me. I am quite temperamental and emotional by nature. But I genuinely draw strength from my parents when I am down...they instantly drop everything to make sure I am ok - physically and emotionally. Even as an adult, I need them and they have both always been there for me and my brother. I am forever grateful coz I know as a matter of fact that not every parent is like that. 

Appa is known to be very strict and everyone is a bit scared around him. But in reality, he always listened to me, I always appreciated how he treated me as an individual and respected my point of view, even as a child. I am not scared of Appa, I love and respect him. I have always felt only when you do something wrong, you feel fear. I had nothing to be scared of...

On a totally different note, tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday (she turns 8 on 22nd August). I had to go through a few losses before Aaradhya came to me, thanks to the blessings of many people in my life, especially the prayers of Appa and Amma. I will always remember what Appa told me..." Don't spoil her just because she is your only child or that you fervertly prayed for her....she does not know that. I know you will love her and bring her up to the best of your abilities. Don't go overboard, such that she does not understand the value of it". I will always remember that. I know she has his choicest blessings, she is his favorite child, even more than me! (he used to tease me all the time that she is so much more beautiful than his own daughter!)

I naively thought, he would be around even after she got married....

I have so much left to say about you, Appa!

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

It may be three months since...and on my part, 

I really try to keep myself busy with the things I do, but everytime I pause I only think of you...

There are some difficult times in life, that leave a mark on you in a positive way! It was this incident that made a mark in our lives. We lived  away from Amma for about two years as she was transferred to a different city, I must have been a 12 or 13 year old girl then. Appa took care of me and my elder brother, during that time in Madras while Amma was in Bangalore. It's a difficult age to be away from your mother and I always thought it was the hardest on me. I realize now how difficult a period it must have been, for Appa - to live away from his loving wife, to singlehandedly take care of a pre-teen and a teenager! 

Boy! He single handedly (yes, single handedly, he had no help from anyone absolutely) took care of us. He fed us, taught us, made it special even on festivals and every time Amma would visit, he would make it a very happy time for all of us. Few things that really stood out for me - 

1. Every evening, after school, he made us both sit down and learn "Hanuman Chalisa" every day so that we could sing and present the full version to Amma when she came. Amma was ecstatic when we sang in tune, and by heart!

2. He understood that being away from Amma was really hard on me ( I would cry copiously every single time she needed to travel back to Bangalore!). So he had secretly recorded a loving wake up message from Amma in her voice, he would play it in the morning to wake me up! It really made my day to hear her voice. I say this specifically coz growing up, Appa was very strict and Amma was very lenient. We were terrified of incurring his wrath while Amma could be cajoled easily.

(in this picture, L-R, My cousin Athma, myself, Appa and Amma)

3.  What stood out for me in all this; once, after Amma was returning to Bangalore after spending the weekend with us in Madras, I was really upset and crying. Appa tried to console me, he sat me down and explained softly, patiently (which is an exception to the norm as he was always quite short tempered, no time or patience to cajole or convince!) to me. He said ( in tamizh, of course...we don't converse in English at home!)

"Do you realize how hard it is for Amma? If you cry like this everytime she leaves, that's the image in her mind all the way back to Bangalore...do you want her to feel sad and more lonely than she already feels? 

We should all try to make the most of it, be happy and send her with happy thoughts...after all, we have each other. She is all alone there without any of us, her own family!( Amma stayed with her elder brother's family (My Mama) who were loving and equally her family in Bangalore)....you should never cry and add to her problems, be the solution that she will definitely come back to....very soon! I never cried after that, even though I longed for her just the same. 

Now that I am married and a mother, I can only imagine how hard it must have been, for both of them as a couple and as parents. I am very blessed that I would probably have the option to quit if such a situation arises. Appa and Amma did'nt have that choice but never complained or even mentioned in our lifetime that we sacrificed our time together for you. I am very grateful and blessed for life lessons such as this on parenting and partnership in every sense!

I never took my parents for granted, after that! to be honest, I never did before the transfer either. All my memories are happy memories of all of us spending time together as a family, eating together and having fun together, in general. I realize now that Appa and Amma never went out by themselves, all they did was spend every free minute with us. How selfless that is? 

I strongly believe that I am a well-rounded, happy individual - thanks to my happy childhood, the secure feeling I got while growing up and how immensely proud my parents were. They would often, appreciate, praise and encourage me in every way possible! It definitely made me a confident person who was very proud of her roots. 

Thank you for being my parents, Appa( and Amma)!

Always looking for your broken index finger...Appa!

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Today marks two months since you moved to a different dimension of life, Appa! 

I am a very expressive person, both emotionally and physically. I hug, kiss and express myself freely, I tend to touch your arm or pull someone's arm when I talk, subconsciously. On the contrary, Appa is not expressive at all, very disciplined and extremely organized. He will not touch anyone unless required and vice versa. 

I am an exception to that rule. I would always plonk myself on his lap ( even as a fully grown adult!), smother him with hugs and kisses. I remember every physical aspect about him, he would always be very well dressed, well-groomed, smell of sandalwood powder or cuticura ( a brand thats popular in India), his smooth skin, broad nose, stern expressions ( when we were growing up!), rare hearty laughs and his broken index finger. I have asked him repeatedly for the story about his broken index finger...

When he was a little boy of maybe 7 - 8 years old, he was cleaning the fan. My memory is hazy but he ended up cutting his finger, it got cut off through the blade or hook. Here's a little boy, looking at his cut finger on the floor! Inadvertently, he just picked it up and held on to its position until they reached the hospital hurriedly. The doctor appreciated his quick thinking and they were able to retain his entire hand!! As a result, his index finger will look slightly different.

When Appa and I traveled on public transport, the men and women are often separated, on different aisles. If it was a crowded bus - I would patiently scan through the hands holding the railing - Dang! I could always spot his broken index finger and feel a sense of relief that I can locate him when we need to get off or when we reach our destination. (I would often doze off with the slightest whiff of cool air. Appa would repeatedly warn me to be alert!).

Before going to sleep, he would wash his face, put on talcum powder and freshen up! As a kid, I used to ask " why do you get ready when you are going to sleep?" and he would jokingly say " I want to look good in my dreams too"!!! 

As an adult who has her own family now and a daughter, I truly appreciate and acknowledge that I grew up in a gender-neutral household. All of us chipped in with the housework, Amma and Appa both cooked, my brother and I had our share of chores. We all did our bit together, so that we all relaxed together as a family. 

We ALWAYS ate together as a family, no separate meals in our home ( something from my childhood that I continue with my little family too!). An interesting fact about Appa is that he will NOT talk while eating. In all his life, he has never talked during any meal. It takes a lot of discipline to do that every single day, its nearly impossible for me :-). If I wanted permission to do something or go somewhere, I would ask him only while eating. 

I would pretend as if I did'nt understand what he was saying (he would answer through sign language as he won't talk) and run away! Of course, in reality, I totally understood what he was saying!  

Another strong memory about food I remember is that, on a weekend or a Friday night, if we were bored or disinterested about dinner - he would mix Thayir Saadam ( curd rice) with Vetha kuzhambu (spicy tamarind stew?) / vegetable stir-fry of the day and Amma, Anna ( I called my brother Anna as a kid) and i would sit around him. We would extend our hands and he would lovingly, tirelessly serve bite-sized balls of rice. He would say " You guys eat much better when I give you like this rather than the times you eat yourself ". Ah! I would do anything to have that ball of rice from him, right now. 

During summer vacations, our big treat was tutti frutti ice cream! I would patiently wait until dinner is over, run to the freezer and hand over the 1-kg container. I would always insist that i am served last ( I felt that I would get a larger portion that way!), he would smile and give me extra. I know, he always served me an extra dollop of ice cream, an extra dollop of love too! 

It's been a month, Appa!

" A father doesn't tell you he loves you. He shows you ". Oh boy! He SHOWED me how much he loved me, in a million ways all his life. 

Appa passed away on the 21st of April, 2020. I had asked him to write a hand-written letter to me earlier last year, as a keepsake. One of his key advice to me was that I should be strong emotionally. I should learn to face everything in life with a strong determination, never break down. 

I always call Appa( and Amma) first, to give a detailed account of my happy news, bad news, times of panic, when I am unwell ( or it's S or Aaradhya), when I need reassurance, when I need to simply hear their voice...it's like just talking to them calms me down and everything's well with my world. Life will never be the same without you, not being able to hug you or see you in flesh and blood...I know you will always be around in spirit! Yet...I break down every morning when I realize that he is no more.

Every small detail or the big stuff remind me of Appa every single day. As I grieved for his loss, that aspect stood out for me. When you lose a parent, it leaves a void that can never be filled. But I do not want to cry ( I know its ok to cry!). I want to remind myself, Amma, Anna and all those who loved him and knew him to remember him, honour his memories, share all the happy moments I shared with this amazing man, to whom I was born, a lucky and blessed daughter. 

Every month on the 21st until a year, I will share a memory, revisit those times - as a child, an adolescent, an adult, a wife, a mother and most importantly - his daughter! We will take a journey through memory lane, converse through the blog - share all the good times, his wit and humour, his guidance, his lessons, our happy moments together.

My earliest memory of Appa, is when I went to kindergarten just down the road, from our home in Madras (South India). Appa had his own business and operated close by. So he had the flexibility to pick me up from school and take me home. We had only half-day school, we would take naps after lunch there until a parent or caregiver comes to pick the child up.

In my lackadaisical state, I vividly remember safely ensconced in Appa's strong shoulders, my hands nestled in the nape of his neck, touching his soft skin. Appa is a reasonably tall man but in my mind, he was the tallest person I had ever seen! I felt really proud that MY Appa is SO TALL ! I would brag to all my friends that he is the tallest among all :).

As I grew up, I was curious like any other toddler and asked a lot of questions. Please click here to read this account. Appa loudly chuckles when he read this on the blog. He would say to me, " you are too innocent, you believe anything i say!". My brother would not buy something like that! ha ha ha...

Over the years, he would always tell me that I have a "Golden Heart", it means that I am straight forward, like to see the good in people. I cherish that compliment and hope to always live up to his expectations, his "Golden Girl", Indeed, I will be... APPA!