- Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
- Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
- Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
- Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
- Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
- Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
- Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
- Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)
"Appa's memory does not live in the pain of my grief". Having said that, I'll be honest, I feel guilty when I laugh heartily or I feel like I may forget him even for the moment I feel happiness, I feel like, how can i forget that Appa is no more with me? On the other hand, every little detail, every nuance, every memory in my life is with Appa...
iduvum kadandu pogum....Appa will remain in my memories and in me, forever. I must admit that this monthly walk down memory lane I do, is very theraupetic for me. I am glad I am In doing this. For me and my loved ones and people who love Appa in their own way.
In 2019, I wanted to surprise him when he was a bit unwell, spend some time with him. I left Baby Girl with S for about 10 days here in Hong Kong, and stayed there in Madras with Appa and Amma. It was the best decision I made, though it was hard to leave Baby Girl alone. After that trip, Appa would talk to me regularly, on his own. It was very unlike him, but he would repeatedly thank me for coming over, or for having long conversations with him. Like I said, I talk to my parents everyday - Appa will talk only about important stuff while Amma will talk to me about my daily life. It's not like Appa to talk about inane things normally. Later, he began to speak to me everyday. I am glad we did. I have no regrets, I have expressed everything I have ever felt , be it positive or negative to both my parents. Yes, you are allowed to love something about yourself, I love that i freely express whatever I am feeling to the person directly. I managed to convince Appa to write me a letter ( physical) which I can always cherish, safely ensconed in my heart AND safety locker!
Appa is a connosieur of good music, especially classical music. When we were kids, Appa was quite short-tempered and I would always sit down to practice my music consciously knowing he is angry. He would calm down and be normal at the end of my practice session. I appreciate music more as an adult now, than I did as a child...when I listen to good music, I am always reminded of him.
I get goosebumps to hear this son-appa sing and emotion clouds my throat. ( the adulation and love in his father's eyes is so beautiful and they sing my favorite songs too!). I know these are film songs but melodious ones. After I lost him, I would often search for this video on Youtube and hear their beautiful voices, their expressions and the apparent love and affection in his Appa's eyes for him and try to remember my Appa through him. It helped me sleep, sometimes.
As a child, I always remember him reading or listening to music in his room, all by himself.
He would roll his eyes to hear my fusion version of shlokas or classical music. I would argue that I can relate to this version, so what's wrong? ha ha ha...He does not appreciate any modification or fusion element to music - he is a traditonalist in the musical sense!
In 2007, we were living in Pune, both my parents and in-laws visited at the same time once as we were both working (..and maybe we did'nt get too many days off for a break). He never let me cut my hair until I got married...so the first thing I did, was cut my hair after I was married. I was also in that phase of experimenting with my hair, I think I had coloured my hair a deep-red/burgundy or sorts. He thought i was asleep but I could hear him telling Amma - " she paid money to someone to get THIS done??!!!". ha ha ha...needless to say, he hated it. If you look at this picture, you can imagine his shock when he saw me fully transformed!
Appa and I, at the Punar Poojai during my wedding, he is seeking blessings for me, as always - 2003!
He always liked the traditional style of dressing , he loved it when i would wear a saree, or even simply indian clothes with my hair tied ( so he can actually see my face!).....with a pottu or bindi. Anytime, I shared pictures, where I was dressed in a saree or kurta with pottu , he would always say " ah! there's my beautiful Janani...this is how I like to see you".
As I dry my daughter's wet long, silky hair, his grand daughter's long hair that she absolutely refuses to cut ( it would make my life easier, i have to admit!) , I can't stop thinking about how Appa would love that she has long hair... :)
