Happy Birthday Appa!

 It's your birthday today and I want to celebrate you. ...I think of you and miss you everyday, and you are so alive in my thoughts, actions and especially, in the fact that I want to help people more, financially, physically or in any way I can...that part is definitely all YOU! 

I use sandalwood powder, I smell absolutely like you...I can feel your presence with the fragrance...

I make "paruppu usuli" and I savour it a lot more now coz it was such a favourite and you would make it with a lot of effort and love...

I think of you anytime we eat something you like, cabbage curry, rava masala dosa or a sweet dish that you would like...

I discuss my dreams about you with S and A, and it's always a good dream. I think it's your way of telling me that you are always there for me...

I am a changed woman, I have become more mature after you passed away...I am trying to be mentally strong just like you wanted me to be...

I am living life one day at a time, enjoying and trying to be happy, We will all celebrate life and celebrate you ALWAYS and FOREVER!! I love you, APPA!!!

Baby Girl is 9 years old today!

 Dear Baby Girl,

...As I try to reminisce the year that flashed by on your birthday, I can only think of how excited you are, about your birthday and the double celebrations, that happen with friends and then family in India virtually. I think you are very much like me, in that sense, so excited about your birthday, the excitement, the celebrations and all the adulation! :)

While it is unfortunate that the pandemic situation still continues to exist, I can see how well you have adapted yourself to it, and learnt to enjoy yourself in every way despite it. You wear your masks like a pro, with a smile hidden inside it. I really hope none of us will need a mask anymore when I sit down to write to you next year!

I am so humbled to see your phenomenal growth, especially on an emotional level. You have a clear understanding of acceptance, compassion, kindness and a special ability to always understand when to give me a hug and make me feel all better again! Humility is still lurking around, waiting for you... ha ha ha...there is a sea-change in your demeanor and I feel really proud of you, for evolving and growing into a good human being. Of course, there is a long way to go...

Apart from birthdays and anniversaries, you have taught us to celebrate and revel in the little joys of life. You are such a sweet, loving and expressive child that makes us smile with her loving cards, notes, handmade gifts, and tight hugs for no reason. You look forward to weekends to enjoy a game of Dobble, Uno, Jenga or any other new game that is added to the array. That tradition continues...

You speak so lovingly, patiently to Paati, that really warms my heart. Her heart sings with joy at every tamizh word you speak, every musical note from your voice, and yearns to see your beautiful face with a beaming smile. Your vivid memories of Thatha, and the fun things you did with him in Madras are memories that keep me sane. You are so thoughtful, I am amazed at how you are looking for any signs of sadness or tears when something we watch or eat triggers a memory of my Appa....you quickly run over and give me a hug, or inform S that I am sad or thinking about Thatha....at these times, I wonder who is the mother? We are both longing to see Paatti and our loved ones in person, we will definitely visit India soon...

We share a common love, madness, passion for music. You are perpetually singing loudly, dancing and your energy is infectious. We listen to good music before we sleep too. You are showing more interest in learning music, and I can see that your confidence growing too. Learning will continue...Music is a life-skill that will create a beautiful balance and lend such calmness to your mind. You will know...

When S has F1 on the weekends, you and I, have our own ritual of playing "Jaanu Papa and Aadu Papa". I really enjoy being a baby with you again. You love it so much that you are always checking with Appa for the F1 schedule. I think it's fun coz you get to see a different side of me - carefree, spontaneous, child-like, silly. But I can't always show that side coz it is good to be a balanced parent - disciplined yet fun!

You are obsessed with the water, the beaches, swimming...such a water baby!! I am happy to see you swim and enjoy being in the water, vicarious fun for me. You are such a social being too, I like the role-reversals now when you introduce me to so many people as your mother!!! It was so funny when the other day, a random person I didn't know too well, stopped me to ask if I am your mother? Apparently, my smile matches you..It is the other way round, your smile matches mine! ha ha ha

We want you to grow exponentially, in leaps and bounds in every way possible. Also, have a lot of fun, enjoy life to the fullest and spread happiness and love in abundance, and in every way possible. We have your back, standing right beside you - egging you on, cheering you on, beaming with pride at every little victory-milestone-joys of life, my love. You are truly the love of our lives!

We love you to the moon, and back!

Lots of love and blessings,

Amma and Appa

This day last year...

1.    Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

2.    Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

3.    Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

4.    Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

5.    Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

6.    Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

7.    Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)

8.    Click here to read the eighth post (eighth month)

9.    Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)

10.  Click here to read the tenth post ( tenth month)

11.  Click here to read the eleventh post ( eleventh month) - my brother shares more...

 

  "I was never ready for you to leave..."'

Its exactly been a year since Appa passed away. I strongly believed, hoped and was so sure that I would be in Madras with my family, with Amma and Anna. God has other plans, life has other plans...I know, there's a reason that I am not aware of, right now....

I think I am still not ready to go home, to a home from where Appa won't come out to greet me or hug me. I think I still need some time to accept that, that's one reason for sure! 

I also firmly believe Appa is always with me, whether I am in India or Hong Kong, or anywhere in the world. I have an implicit faith and strong feeling now, that he is always within me, around me. That will never change, its reassuring, and it took me a long time to acknowledge that or identify that. 

Having said that, I also feel like a changed person, internally. I am much quieter than usual. I don't think its necessary to share everything with everyone or the need to talk constantly, a bit like Appa! ha ha ...I am sure its a welcome change for the people around me. We can all enjoy the silence a bit now...a part of me died with him. That will never change....even with time.

• I still tear up when I write this blog...
• I visualize him smiling, always ALWAYS asking me If I need something? a cup of tea? ...
• I miss his strong support, guiding me when I am down or stressed,,,in his own tough love kind of way...just a phone call away, even if I was not with him physically...
• I talk to Amma or Anna about him often....we share our stories together or anything that reminds us of him...
• I dream of him quite often and he is always very much alive, as if he were in my life....forever...
• I talk about him incessantly, and tend to bring him up in random conversations about my memories with him or what he would do for me...I will not apologize for it...I will always talk about him...
• I chance upon a handwritten label or note from him...and I tear up...
• I miss him when I see someone's father. I fervently hope that someone's father stays healthy and happy...
• I still cry uncontrollably at times...I know its ok....
• I also felt really touched and happy to hear a lot of stories about him from my cousins, loved ones and friends who knew Appa closely...
• It was reassuring to hear that Appa's siblings often check on Amma and talk to her regularly...
• I often cry or get upset about Appa, and I have S, Aaradhya, Amma, Anna and so many others who understand and listen...try to cheer me up in their own way ( I am sure they feel the same way or worse about losing Appa)
• Aaradhya will run from whatever she's doing..if she can see that I am sad or my eyes are moist. she can sense it every single time. I am grateful for all of them, these wonderful people I am blessed with. 

This is a glass painting I did for him...I copied it from a picture of him...Sadly, he broke it by accident and I was so upset with him. I am glad I clicked a picture on the phone, it's now on the blog...

 "Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone..."

I had asked Appa to write me a letter casually one day while we spoke on the phone. Amma tells me he wrote sincerely for days together like it was a serious assignment! True to his nature, he delivered on his promise and the letter reached me within a week. I have the letter, safely ensconced in my locker as its  my most treasured gift and memory of him. Maybe, I had an instinct.., I don't know...

Anyway, he said that he was very proud of the woman I have grown into, and what he loves most about me is that I have a golden heart, innocent and full of earnest love for everyone. His words, not mine...I hope to retain that " golden heart".

I pray a lot more, not as much as him, but as he would say, not always asking for something but just with gratitude. I do pray with gratitude and thank god for all his blessings.

I want to help many people in whatever way I can...financially, emotionally or just being there for them.

He asked me to always have a good bond with Anna coz he is my family after them. I will always do that, I will do my best to be there for him.

I strongly want to believe in this...

" Those we love don't go away. they walk beside us and reside within us everyday...maybe unseen or unheard but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear..."

Appa and his Myriad Interests

1. Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
2. Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
3. Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
4. Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
5. Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
6. Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
7. Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
8. Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)
9. Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)
10. Click here to read the tenth post ( tenth month)

Anna is the fortunate sibling who has lived with my parents all his life and I repeat myself when I say this but I envy him for this aspect. Living together in close quarters, they have a shared bond, interests and have spent some quality together. He writes about light and happy incidents he remembers...this month.

Appa and Anna at his wedding, 2011.

All of us know Appa as a strict disciplinarian with a no-nonsense attitude.  People assume his interests are limited to his religious pursuits; however interestingly, Appa had a varied set of interests which will surprise most of us.  I will try and put it across.

Appa and Music

All of us know Appa had a great ear for Music...ardent Carnatic music Fan, he could not sing but had a great interest in music.  He used to tell us how in his younger days ( he was about 11 or so) would walk upto 10 -15 kms to listen to popular musicians who would sing all through the night and he would come back and slip into the thinnai. ( refers to a raised platform outside the entrance of the house).

Appa also loved Film Music both Tamil and Hindi; his favourite singer was T.M. Soundarrajan.  He used to have boxes and boxes of cassettes of film songs of TMS.  He would ask me to download songs on a USB.  He also had a great collection of old hindi music - Rafi, Kishore kumar, Asha, Latha, RD, SD, Madan Mohan.  You would see him sitting in his room playing these old songs.  He was choosy of the songs as well.  He would not record, or download the entire album, he would patiently sit with me on selecting the songs to be downloaded. I often used to make fun of him saying, “Record panikirel yeppo ketu mudipelo” ( you record so much, when do you actually listen?)and he would jokingly say "neenga yenna thaniya vitta thane" ( only when you guys leave me alone!!)….. ;-)

He enjoyed listening to his granddaughters singing; he would ask them to sing - Dhrithi would sit in his room singing all the songs she knew and he would be sitting and listening while Aaradhya will sing to him over the phone or Janani would send her video/audio recordings on Whatsapp. He would tease Janani that Aaradhya sings even better than her, (he would listen to it over and over...)! :D

Appa and Movies

Appa was  a movie buff in his youth.  When he was in Bombay, he would watch all movies, Hindi, English, Malayalam, Tamil.  Language was no bar ☺.  He loved action movies.  Western movies were his all time favorites.  Good Bad and the Ugly, For a few dollars more, Fist full of dollars are movies he would watch any time it was on TV.  Clint Eastwood was one of his favorite actors.

Baasha, Nayakan, Guna – I have lost count how many times both of us would have watched it.  Today when  I watch the movies I always feel like he is sitting next to me watching and commenting.  I still remember he used to say "Guna le Kamal acting super da…. " ( Kamal hassan did a great job in the movie Guna)

In his later years he did not have the patience to sit through the entire movie, but he would watch all action sequences with rapt attention.  He would not like to be disturbed when the fight sequences would come on TV.  

His other surprising interests would be the WWE.  He would not share the remote when the shows were aired, especially the royal rumble and Wrestle Mania.  He would get wild if we change the channels.  He would know the players by names, right from Hulk Hogan, Hitman, Triple H, the Rock and his all time favourite THE UNDERTAKER.  He would sway involuntarily to the movements of the players.  He would get wild if we disturb him during the programs.  He would not give the remote to anybody and watch the entire program like a child.

Appa also liked comedy very much.  Nagesh, Kamal, Crazy Mohan, Senthil, Koundamani and of course Vadivelu.   He was a great fan of Vadivelu in his later years.  Both of us would watch comedy scenes from movies daily.  Our routine was after I come back from work, Dinner and Amma’s quota of TV time we would straight jump into the couple of comedy channels which would air comedy scenes all thru the day.  H would laugh out loud and enjoy them.  Both of us would sit watching and Amma would jokingly ask us  “ Yen da ungalaku bore adikaatha paathathe paathundu irukel”( don’t u get bored seeing the same again and again}.  Appa would say "unaku puriyaathu ma" ( you don't understand), we enjoy it.  Vadivelu was his favourite.  He would repeat his one liners very often ( "unaku vantha ratham, yenaku vantha Thakkali Chutney - roughly translates to for you its blood, and for me its tomato chutney?").  He would retire to bed late after this daily routine.  I still follow this routine but miss him very badly when I don’t hear his laughter.

Appa and Food

I had earlier hinted here on Appa’s interest on food.  Appa on one side, would eat whatever was served as he would not talk while eating and would never mention of taste.  At the same time, he had very specific liking of food whether we eat outside or cook at home.  He liked the Halwa from Bombay Halwa House in Chennai, or idlys would be always from Sangeetha.  His visits to Mylapore would never be complete without his visits to Maami kadai for snacks.  Even when Pongal was cooked at home, it was always accompanied with Vadai from outside.    Lunch outside would have to be only in Woodlands. Dinner outside was always roti with Bhindi Masala.  Even when Janani used to come he would ask her to make the Bhindi subzi. He himself was an expert cook.  He would churn out awesome dals, Rava Upma, delicious sakkarai Pongal, Semiya payasam to name a few.  He would say if you don’t add the extra dollop of Ghee then u will not get the taste.

Both of us have learnt quite a bit of cooking from both of them.  Even today when I make Rava Upma, I thank my Guruji Mr. Rajagopalan and strive to match his taste which is still to be achieved. Satya learnt to make Upma for Janani (when she was pregnant with A) just like Appa !!!

Tough Love

1.  Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
2. Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
3. Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
4. Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
5. Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
6. Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
7. Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
8. Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)
9. Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)

I have been writing blogs for several years now and Appa was an avid reader of my blog. I began writing to improve my writing style in order to enhance my skills professionally. After I had my Baby Girl, it dwindled down to yearly posts for her birthdays and one or two posts here and there. Interestingly, I have written regularly every month exclusively about my dear Appa. He made me do it, tough love indeed. 

Appa would often scoff at my kid-glove parenting style, where we (all?) tend to be obsessively cautious around our child's egos or emotions. I am guilty of that, I do over-think it when I discipline my daughter and worry too much about her reactions. I did'nt grow up like that. Appa totally believes in tough love, not to say he was not loving. But my parents made it very clear that they are my parents first, and I was always clearly told I could talk to them anytime. 

Having said that, I grew up being very protected and sheltered all my life and then I got married. There was quite a lot of eve-teasing and I had to bear the brunt of it, quite often - be it while going to school or at college. Once, I went out to get some bread from our nearest grocery store, and I think some guy on a bike (off the road) pinched me or something like that.. . When I told Appa about it, he did'nt even send me out to buy bread or any grocery run henceforth. 

He would jokingly say, in all seriousness, " I am an old man, I can't fight with other young men - so the best way to protect yourself is to keep a low profile and make sure you don't get noticed" !!! By the time, I finished college and began to work, my brother was working in a different city. I had nothing to worry about, when my brother was around. 

One day, Appa and I were going somewhere, and waiting at the bus stop to board a bus. Right opposite to the stop, there is a tea-shop and lots of young boys linger around, " sight-adichufying or line-maarofying" all the girls at the stop. They are very obvious about it and you learn to ignore over a period of time, out of sheer compulsion. ( Appa began to allow me to take the bike to work later). While we waited for the bus, Appa kept standing in front of me and obstructing my view. 

I said: "Appa, enna panrel (what are you doing?)"

Appa: " unna pakka mudiyaada madiri nikkaren( I am standing in front of you so that you are not seen)....so that none of these fellows can ogle at you!!! That's why I am standing right in front of you. 

I found it so cute even then, my cute, sweet, protective Appa. 

He was so amazing, I did my MBA through distance and the exam centre was really far away from the city. He did'nt want to send me alone, he hired a taxi and would come with me to the exam centre, wait for the entire 2-3 hrs duration of the exam ( he would carry a book) and bring me back home in the same taxi. For the next year exams, I found out that my school friends were pursuing the same course. He offered to take me along. When I told him that the previous year, Appa would come along, wait and take me back....he was simply amazed at how protective Appa was. I guess he felt I was old enough to figure it out myself , I was 21 or 22 years probably.

I would often complain to Appa and Amma, after I got married, that why they gave me such a sheltered life? I wanted to be more independent but didn't know how to be? Over the years, living in different countries, living alone( with my S), I learnt to be, but not as much as many of my friends, who can do anything or go anywhere all by themselves.

When I lived in Paris, during my yearly visits back home - I would want to go shopping. Take an auto and just go. Appa and Amma would discuss in detail, which route to take, organize with a known auto driver or insist on why I need to buy anything at all !! I would get frustrated at why they fuss so much, when I live and work in a different continent, let alone different country, and manage everything pretty efficiently. Appa would insist that I am still his little girl, and he feels responsible for my safety. 

I think about how angry/frustrated i got then....but now I am mature enough to understand how blessed I am...that my folks always cared about me, as a child, as a young adult, as a grown woman too! 

I am terrified of cockroaches, like most people are...but I may nearly die if i see one flying! I am simply petrified. I was running late to work, I was probably 21 by then, I was taking out my Kinetic Honda parked right below my home, when I saw a huge cockroach on the tarpaulin cover - I simply froze and called out to Appa. Appa comes by, and when I request him to remove the cover,he flatly refused. Tough love did'nt really work in this case.

Here I am, a grown young woman crying profusely, pleading him to help. He refuses and says its high time you get over your fear. Just push the cover and it will go away. But I just could'nt...when it flew away, i literally had a heart attack. Luckily, it was an open space - so I could just take my bike and rush off to work. I was livid with Appa...there is no great lesson from this incident though...I am still petrified of cockroaches!!! ha ha ha...

Appa's Ponnu, I will always be...

1. Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
2. Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
3. Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
4. Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
5. Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
6. Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
7. Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
8. Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)

"Appa's memory does not live in the pain of my grief". Having said that, I'll be honest, I feel guilty when I laugh heartily or I feel like I may forget him even for the moment I feel happiness, I feel like, how can i forget that Appa is no more with me? On the other hand, every little detail, every nuance, every memory in my life is with Appa...

iduvum kadandu pogum....Appa will remain in my memories and in me, forever. I must admit that this monthly walk down memory lane I do, is very theraupetic for me. I am glad I am In doing this. For me and my loved ones and people who love Appa in their own way.

In 2019, I wanted to surprise him when he was a bit unwell, spend some time with him. I left Baby Girl with S for about 10 days here in Hong Kong, and stayed there in Madras with Appa and Amma. It was the best decision I made, though it was hard to leave Baby Girl alone. After that trip, Appa would talk to me regularly, on his own. It was very unlike him, but he would repeatedly thank me for coming over, or for having long conversations with him. Like I said, I talk to my parents everyday - Appa will talk only about important stuff while Amma will talk to me about my daily life. It's not like Appa to talk about inane things normally. Later, he began to speak to me everyday. I am glad we did. I have no regrets, I have expressed everything I have ever felt , be it positive or negative to both my parents. Yes, you are allowed to love something about yourself, I love that i freely express whatever I am feeling to the person directly. I managed to convince Appa to write me a letter ( physical) which I can always cherish, safely ensconed in my heart AND safety locker!

Appa is a connosieur of good music, especially classical music. When we were kids, Appa was quite short-tempered and I would always sit down to practice my music consciously knowing he is angry. He would calm down and be normal at the end of my practice session. I appreciate music more as an adult now, than I did as a child...when I listen to good music, I am always reminded of him.

 

 https://youtu.be/GvOhqmuDQAg

 

I get goosebumps to hear this son-appa sing and emotion clouds my throat. ( the adulation and love in his father's eyes is so beautiful and they sing my favorite songs too!). I know these are film songs but melodious ones. After I lost him, I would often search for this video on Youtube and hear their beautiful voices, their expressions and the apparent love and affection in his Appa's eyes for him and try to remember my Appa through him. It helped me sleep, sometimes.

 

As a child, I always remember him reading or listening to music in his room, all by himself. 

He would roll his eyes to hear my fusion version of shlokas or classical music. I would argue that I can relate to this version, so what's wrong? ha ha ha...He does not appreciate any modification or fusion element to music - he is a traditonalist in the musical sense!

In 2007, we were living in Pune, both my parents and in-laws visited at the same time once as we were both working (..and maybe we did'nt get too many days off for a break). He never let me cut my hair until I got married...so the first thing I did, was cut my hair after I was married. I was also in that phase of experimenting with my hair, I think I had coloured my hair a deep-red/burgundy or sorts. He thought i was asleep but I could hear him telling Amma - " she paid money to someone to get THIS done??!!!". ha ha ha...needless to say, he hated it. If you look at this picture, you can imagine his shock when he saw me fully transformed! 

Appa and I, at the Punar Poojai during my wedding, he is seeking blessings for me, as always - 2003!

He always liked the traditional style of dressing , he loved it when i would wear a saree, or even simply indian clothes with my hair tied ( so he can actually see my face!).....with a pottu or bindi. Anytime, I shared pictures, where I was dressed in a saree or kurta with pottu , he would always say " ah! there's my beautiful Janani...this is how I like to see you". 

As I dry my daughter's wet long, silky hair, his grand daughter's long hair that she absolutely refuses to cut ( it would make my life easier, i have to admit!) , I can't stop thinking about how Appa would love that she has long hair... :)